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Your Teenager's Friends -- the Ones You Don't Like

Appreciating your teenager's narcissistic tendencies and the power of process questions allows parents to approach the topic of their teenager's friends in a new way; in particular, the friends that you don't like and that you feel are a bad influence on your teenager. We all know that once you tell your teenager that you don't like one of her friends, it's paramount to pushing her into a closer friendship. But at the same time, not voicing your concerns and observations makes you feel that you are failing at your job of raising a healthy child. Fortunately, there is a middle ground, but first let's look at why trying to break up the friendship and doing nothing are both doomed to ultimate failure.

Because of her narcissim, as soon as you criticize her friend, she has to defend that person and prove you wrong. But it's more that she has to prove to herself that her initial opinion of this person as worthy of her friendship was correct. In her narcissism, she can't allow herself to recognize an error of judgment in something so important as friendship. In this regard, she is preserving her independence, too.

One day, I told Lester (fifteen at the time) that I didn't want him hanging out with Sean and Victor as much. I explained that they were a bad influence on him, that he could do better. Well, you would think I had insulted him. Within seconds, he was vehemently defending them, even to the point of saying things that I knew weren't true—that both were honor students and loyal to him.

It totally backfired, and for the next few months Lester, Sean, and Victor were inseparable. And whenever I came close to commenting on them or their behavior, Lester gave me a dirty look, cut me off, and went on to praise the virtues of his buddies. At one point, I realized it wasn't about Sean and Victor; it was about Lester and me, and who had the power. Or, at least, about which one of us was a better judge of character.

On the other hand, saying and doing nothing is not a sensible or viable alternative. Doing nothing is the equivalent of abdicating your responsibility, which never fortifies your connection to your teenager. Perhaps some parents can justify saying nothing on the grounds that their kids already know how they feel about their friends, but somehow that isn't quite good enough. Yes, your teenagers can read you like a book. And yes, they already know how you feel about their friends before you utter a word. But still, this is one of those times you must weigh in. Just make sure that you appreciate their narcissism when you do so.

When you comment on her friends, you inadvertently insult your daughter and her ability to choose friends, and it creates a disconnect. But since she is so focused on herself, keep your feedback directed towards her, not towards her friends. This strategy keeps you connected and represents your best chance of getting through to her.

"You seem to have changed quite a bit in the last month, Sarah."

"Really? Why do you say that?"

"Well, you just don't seem yourself, not as happy and carefree as usual."

"Really? Guess that's life."

"Maybe. You just don't seem to enjoy things the way you used to: your friends; your brother, Geoff; even playing soccer. Not sure, but something seems to have changed in the last month."

"Whatever."

"Any pressure at school?"

"No."

"Anything at home bothering you?"

"No. And what is this, Twenty Questions?"

"No, just trying to figure out what's different. I know some of your friendships have shifted, but that shouldn't matter because friends should bring out the best in you, right?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know, you've just changed somehow. Can't put my finger on it, though."

It's frustrating not to come right out and say it, but if you just line up the dots and let your teenager connect them on her own time, you are both better off. When she connects the dots, it's now her doing and her insight, so she is free to act on her improved judgement—better yet, she'll openly share this new and improved judgement with you. Stephanie is different from me, more than I had realized at first. I just haven't felt that I could be myself around her, so we're not as close as we used to be. (Just hold your tongue; one I told you so will undermine everything.) But again, as with the anthropological questions, it takes time for her to connect the dots, sometimes months. Be patient. If you can hang in there, you will win on both counts: You have real input and you stay connected. Better yet, your daughter wins on both counts too: She makes better friends and she stays connected to you.

In many ways, it all comes down to what Nobel Laureate Isaac Isadore Rabi's mother used to ask him each day when he came home from school: "Did you ask any good questions today?" This is something to bear in mind when you spend time with your teenager, and also at the end of the day when you're looking into the mirror and assessing how well you're doing in your role as a parent.