The Traumatic Teen Years

My 13 1/2-year-old daughter does not like school. In fact, in every class where she has a marginal (terrible) grade her teachers have kindly noted that she “does not work to her potential.” It is nice that they have seen her potential, but not one of them has told me how to cultivate a rose from a very thorny plant. She loves to draw and has no trouble motivating herself to follow her creative pursuits, but academics just give her the heebie-jeebies. And I, of course, get the heebie-jeebies whenever I face the council of elders, her academic team leaders, who look at me like I know what to do.

Why do our children's teachers think we know how to get them to do better in school?

This article is all about surviving your child's thorny teenage years with humor and grace. In it you'll learn how to recognize the Dr. Jekyll hidden deep inside when all your teenager is willing to show you is an evil Mr. Hyde.

We all cope differently with teenage troubles. I tend toward the figurative heart attack. My husband, on the other hand, is much more calm about everything. If our daughter isn't keeping up with her homework, I clutch my heart and gasp for air. He sagely observes: “Let her fail the eighth grade. She is the only person who can change her future.”

Needless to say, the gap between our styles on this issue is big enough to drive a truck through. Obviously, we were going to have to find a compromise if we wanted to cope with this early teen crisis. But finding the right way to handle a rebellious teenager is tricky. You never know when what you think is a reasonable solution will trigger a major blowout…as I soon found out with my own newly minted teenager.

A Typical Mom-to-Teen Scenario

In an effort to help my daughter improve her performance at school, I hit upon what I thought was a reasonable plan. On the very first day of winter vacation I decided to take charge by organizing my daughter's time. I laid out a schedule of how she was going to be able to complete her assignments while still having time for fun. It made perfect sense to me. She would do work first, play later. Nothing terrible.

Crashing into Teenage Contrariness

So after taking her to a first-evening-of-vacation movie I told her my expectations. I told her in no uncertain terms that she was going to come to work with me the next day and get started on her homework. She complained and complained that it was her vacation and she was going to have fun. She said she was not going to do the work and I couldn't make her.

I explained firmly that she had too much work to do to wait to the last minute. I took a stern line: “You will be up tomorrow morning and will go with me to the office.” I was so adamant I almost saluted myself. It felt powerful. But then everything took a turn for the worse.

Staying Strong Through the Tears

My daughter knows very well how to push my buttons. She got very upset and said she was planning to do her homework, but just not so soon. Then she escalated her emotionalism into crying mode. Tears have worked against me in the past, but I felt this was too important: I was determined to stand firm. The colder I became the more upset she became until she managed to work herself up into a real rage. She said she was not going to listen to me and that she was going to run away from home. She said she was going to pack her things in a wagon, get a job, and get her own place. My continued refusal to back down finally pushed her over the edge into truly hateful language. Then she stalked off to her room.

Post-Rupture Recovery

My sense of victory at taking charge of the homework situation died right there. I had never seen her so upset, and her rage was frightening. My husband, Zen master of step-parenting, put his arm around me and stopped me from running into her room and trying to make it all better. He advised a cool-down period, and reassured me that she'd only said all those awful things in the heat of the moment. But I was reeling with doubt. What if she really did feel that way about me? What if we never managed to heal the breach between us?

No matter how bad I felt, I knew I had to follow through on taking her to work with me, but I didn't want to set off another battle. That next morning, I sneaked into her room and crawled under the covers next to her, trying to convey my wish that we repair the damage we'd done to one another. She was awake, and she didn't pull away, so I knew she was as heartbroken as I was. We both were not ready to talk directly about the fight so I started to read from one of her kid humor books. After a few minutes we both started laughing, hugged and everything was okay. Then we headed off to my office as if everything was back to normal. And, in a way, it was—when we got there she still avoided her work, and I went back into nagging mode. Later we were able to talk more openly about our feelings.

Intuition to the Rescue

We could have gone round and round like this forever—I nagging, she resisting, with periodic blow-ups punctuating the whole affair. But that night I had a dream that put everything in perspective. In the dream, I was telling one of my old college professors about my troubles with a course I was taking. I didn't understand a thing that was going on and when I asked the teacher for help he belittled me, so I fled the room and didn't want to go back. My dream provided me with the insight I needed to help my daughter—I realized that my daughter just might be feeling that same kind of pressure with regard to her schoolwork.

The next day I took my new insights along with us to the office. When she started her old work-avoidance tricks, I let it go until lunch, when I planned on sharing my dream with her. I never got the chance—she opened up immediately and told me that the biggest problem she was having with her homework was the pressure I was putting on her to do it. Every time I nagged, she became blocked and simply had to put it off one more time.

The Contrarian Country of Adolescence

Much of a teenager's counterproductive behavior stems from just such contrarian urges. The teen years are a time of great confusion, and your child is feeling pressure from all sides: emotional, intellectual, social, and hormonal. Sometimes the only reaction available to her is to shut down—to dig in her heels and mulishly refuse to do what she's told. When that happens, pushing your teen won't help—it just makes a bad situation worse.

I asked my daughter how I was supposed to get her to do her work without nagging? She replied, “You are not, it is my work and I am supposed to do it on my own.” I felt relieved with this insight. It is easy to become so pressured by our children's issues that we forget that they have to figure things out for themselves.

Changing Your Mothering Style to Suit Your Teenager

Your child is having a difficult time learning to make the transition to adulthood. And you also, no doubt, are finding these years difficult. Your old ways of relating to your child are no longer appropriate—the old days when your child thought you knew everything there was to know are long past. And while you still want very much to actively guide and protect your child, such behavior comes across as controlling, not as helpful.

So what's a teenager's mom to do? She does what she has done with every other new stage in her child's developmental life: she reevaluates her style to find one that suits her child's current needs.

Being mother to a teenager means you constantly alternate between being pushed away and pulled back. Your child wants the chance to make his own decisions—and his own mistakes—but he's not ready to be pushed completely out of the nest just yet. He can indeed be a sweet and caring Dr. Jekyll one minute, and then in the next he can turn into a raging Mr. Hyde, convincing you that he's truly demon spawn. It's an emotional roller coaster ride—so hang on tight!

The Two Faces of Teendom

Much of what you see as your teen's bad behavior is really her perfectly normal response to the imperative of growing up: She's just trying to break away and assume her own adult identity. But, because she's a teen, she is ill equipped to manage this change without major drama.

Your Teen at Home: Rampage and Rejection

Teenagers are notorious for rejecting their mothers. They are also well-versed in the art of manipulation—mostly by using the threat of this rejection to get their way. The techniques we used so successfully to soothe and comfort our children when they were young just can't stand up to the constant challenge that teenagers seem to thrive on. This new teenage person in the household sometimes seems to have declared war—and we lack suitable weapons with which to defend ourselves. But never fear—there are strategies that you can use to survive these difficult years:

• Have attitude. Know you are a good mother, and don't be convinced otherwise.
• Remember to be a parent. Teenagers still need mothering.
• Reassure yourself that your teenager does not really hate you.
• Don't overcontrol or under-care.
• Reward yourself in special ways and pray for continued endurance.

Surviving Teendom, by the Numbers

Step one in surviving your child's teenage years is to have attitude. This means you know you are a good mother and no amount of harassment from your teenager is going to convince you otherwise.

Step two is to remember that you're still a parent. Don't stop mothering your teenager just because he or she have begun to closely resemble adults, only goofier.

It's easy to forget that your teenager is still a kid, when so many of the things he does seem so adult. We rely on teenagers to take adult responsibilities such as baby-sitting their younger siblings; we allow them freedom to hang with their friends; we let them get a driver's license; and some of them even hold down a paying job. But with all this adult-seeming behavior, they still need the support—and the limits—a mother can provide.

Step three is to reassure yourself that your child does not really hate you, no matter how rebellious he or she may seem at times. Your child will most likely say and do things that make you feel rejected, and you may find it hard not to take them personally.

But the extreme behavior and language stem from the teens' sense of powerless: They are too old to be treated as children and yet too young for all the privileges of adulthood. This can be very frustrating, and often the target of that frustration is Mom. You do not need to become anyone's whipping girl, but you do not want to overreact to your teen's challenges, either. Give your teenager enough space to work through his own temporary demon-possession, and keep your feelings safely out of the way.

To put this another way, when a teenager lashes out it is not typically as personal as it seems—it is really business. Your teenager is trying to break out of a highly entrenched protected environment. He is seeking the self-confidence to succeed in the world without external protection. You can compare the teenage years to the labor pains experienced before a baby is thrust into the world. The teenager is getting ready for a rebirth into adulthood, and no matter how willing he seems, he will go out kicking and screaming until he can adjust to his new environment.

So, as your teenager pushes you to the limits of your endurance, work with him as much as possible. If you can communicate during those rare moments of equilibrium (even teenagers do have them) open your heart and explain that you understand what he or she is going through. Fill your teenager with positive, supportive messages so that he remembers he can turn to you in a time of crisis.

A Visit from Dr. Jekyll

You may be surprised how well your teenage monster behaves outside your den. When a teenager is at home, he or she will revert to behavior that you will likely find unpleasant at best—you can only pray it's reserved for you and not shared with the populace at large.

When your child is out of the house you may hear stories or rumors about this responsible, really cool kid—and you'll gasp in amazement when you hear it's your very own homegrown monster. Do not be surprised if the rumors turn out to be true. Of course, sometimes your little monster may be a teenage scourge both inside and outside your home. Do the best you can to maintain limits, but realize your child is making choices for which there are personal consequences. You are not responsible or to blame for every choice your child makes. Sometimes, even though you guide your child perfectly, he will still take the path of most resistance.

Respecting Your Teen's Cool

Don't disregard your need to be a mother to your teenager. By now you know it isn't cool to show too much mothering in front of your child's friends. My son has not allowed any public displays of affection within one mile of his school since he was seven years old. But there are still many ways you can connect to your child without having to baby him. Now, the biggest exception to this rule arises when your teenager is ill. If your child has a cold or the flu it is perfectly fine to indulge him or her with the works. Just don't let on that you are actually fulfilling the call of your chicken-soup gene.

Building a New Relationship With Your Teen

Mothers of teenagers have mixed feelings about everything. On the one hand, you might reminisce longingly for the early days when your child was just a baby and things were simpler. On the other hand, make sure you have a friend throw some water on your head so you don't get caught up in the rose-colored memory of days gone by.

The mother of a teenager sometimes does not know how to do her job. At least she thinks she does not know. Talk about being unappreciated. She used to be able to call the shots, but now most of her suggestions and efforts are thrown back in her own face. For example, I have given up trying to buy clothes for my teenager. Even if she picks out the very same thing I would have picked for her, I am careful not to show my preferences. Her need to resist me is stronger than her tastes, and at her age she often says just the opposite of what I say, just to be contrary.

Confronting Modern-World Fears

Children are more sophisticated today than we were at a similar age. They have had far more exposure than we had to the concepts of drugs and alcohol. But that doesn't automatically mean they are practicing everything they've heard about. In some ways there is a backlash of very responsible young people who think drugs and other forms of experimentation are just plain nasty. In fact, as you develop your new relationship with your teenager, be sure to reinforce your trust that he or she will make good decisions for his or her life. You always want to give your child a sense of unconditional approval, not of certain behaviors, but of his existence as your child. Love is not to be won or lost. Separate the behavior from the person.

This is the best thing you can do to prepare your child for the world. You can't be everywhere at all times. Leave that job to God. At some point your child will move on to his or her own relationship with a higher purpose. You can only be there to guide.

You still have authority to set limits for your teenager. I asked my daughter if she wanted me to tell her she could do whatever she wanted and she said, “No. That would be bad.” Children feel very unsafe when there is too much freedom. You should have some sense of what is going on with your child most of the time.

Discovering Your Teenager's Persona

The teenage years are seen as something you need to get past, but actually they can be the most wonderful of all the stages you will go through with your child. You can still do some direct mothering (have a chance to be a mother) before you need to change your child's status into being one of the adults. Teenagers can be a lot of fun to hang out with. I enjoy my daughter's company as much as or more than that of many of my adult friends. We share many common interests and love being together. We agree to disagree about certain things: I refused to see the remake of Psycho, but I conceded to watching the Beavis and Butthead marathon.

The strange thing about being the mother of a teenager is realizing how much teens really understand about life. My daughter gives very good advice. I try not to ask her questions in an obvious “I don't know the answer” sort of way. I do not want her to be under the pressure of thinking she is the mom, but I have learned to listen to what she has to say. I must admit my ego had difficulty accepting how much she has grown and how her opinions are being formed, entirely separate from anything I have told her.

The nice thing is that I sometimes catch her saying something I know I did say to her at some point in her life. I never realized how much she had been listening to me all those years.

When a child is a teenager a mother needs to create a new relationship. In some ways you need to give your child the room to choose how much interaction he wants from you. It is much more effective for you to let your child know you are available and to wait to be asked for your help, than for you to be too quick to supply all of the answers.

Give Your Teenager the Space to Set the Pace

This is a perfect time for us moms to pursue interests of our own. If you are a working mom this should not be a problem. But if you have been a stay-at-home mom, I might as well be telling you that you are being fired from the only job you have ever known. You can't look at it this way. This is just a time in your motherhood career path to learn some new skills so that you can adapt to the changing times ahead.

You may want to pursue a hobby or renew your education. You may want to continue to be devoted to your child's activities, but perhaps you can give yourself more permission to do some things you enjoy for yourself. This is a vulnerable time for your female identity. You have to fight the urge to feel confused and negative. This time of your life can be wonderful and full of growth.

If you have younger children in the house you will be kept busy for years to come as you guide them down the path to adulthood. You may find that having younger children and a teenager in the same domain creates a type of disequilibrium. The two age groups will inevitably try to torture each other and will want you to be the referee. After certain ages it is difficult to travel with children who are at different personality stages.

There is a lot to be said about finding a place where no one can get to you. Bathrooms are nice but taking some time to get away from kids altogether is even nicer. Perhaps more important now than at any other time, you want to create space for yourself that reunites you with who you are. Your children may demand less of your time but they will still demand as much attention as possible. You can control what is comfortable for you if you keep in mind that children do not need to have their lives run for them to your own detriment. You are not doing them any good by being everything to everyone.

As your child reaches various stages of independence, try to encourage individual interests and cultivate a few of your own. Try not to define yourself through the eyes of your family members, or you will become a shadow of a human being. You may need to go through a period of redefinition, but it is part of your growth. Raising children does not mean your development as a human being stops. You have been in a stage, just as your children have. It is now time for you to move beyond your definition as mother into person who happens to be a mother. Although this is who you have been all along, it is easier at this stage to see that you have never really been lost, you have just been otherwise occupied.

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Motherhood © 1999 by Deborah Levine Herman. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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