Make Use of the Important Adults in Your Teenager's Life

Though it seems to be admitting defeat or too daunting a request to make of someone outside your family, you need to learn to risk your vulnerability and enlist the assistance of the adults closest to your teenager. If you behave as if everything were wonderful all the time in your family and with your teenager, you don't offer these other adults any opening. If you don't go out of your way to meet them, they are left to make up their own picture of just who you are and what you stand for. At the same time, these adults are not your teenager's counselors, either, so the trick is how to ask for assistance without overwhelming them. This usually means a face-to-face conversation so that you can make your best assessment of how much to share, gauging their reactions along the way.

I remember Stephanie—I taught her during her junior year. She was cool towards history, but since our personalities were similar, we hit it off on the first day and never looked back. As a result, she did well in my history class. Without wanting to sound arrogant, I knew that I was one of her favorite teachers, which is about the highest compliment a high school teacher can get from a student—as long, that is, as you are the favorite teacher for the right reasons.

I'll never forget the first parent-teacher conference I had with her parents that November. Since Stephanie liked the class and was doing well, I was looking forward to the conference. The meeting was pro forma for the first few minutes—I was going over her various assignments while also commenting on her demeanor during the first few months. Then her dad interrupted.

"Heather, whatever you're doing with Stephanie in class, please keep it up. We've never seen her do this well in any class or show so much enthusiasm for a teacher as she has for you."

It was the kind of moment that most teachers live for, at least teachers like me. I was speechless—a rarity I'm sure my students would say.

Her mom picked up the conversation. "But like most sixteen-year-old girls, Stephanie is pushing the limits at home—but we don't need to go into the details of that with you."

I was stunned by the direction this conference was taking, and I was relieved to hear that they weren't looking to me for advice on parenting issues. (Did I mention that I was single and twenty-six years old when this conference took place? This made me closer to Stephanie in age than to her parents.)

It was her dad's turn. "So what we're hoping is that in your interactions with our daughter you can reinforce some of the messages we're trying to get across to her that we fear she isn't hearing from us right now."

My heart began to race. Images of The Stepford Wives flashed across my brain. Then I said, "You mean you want me to offer her advice based on what you tell me to give her? Do you have some sort of script in mind?"

I couldn't believe I had said that last line aloud. But both her mom and dad looked at one another and smiled. Then her mom said, "I can see why Stephanie likes you so much."

"No, no, it's nothing like that at all," said her father. "It's just that she trusts you and you've got an excellent reputation at the school, particularly with the other parents."

Wow. Two major compliments in one parent-teacher conference. But now I was suspicious—I try my best to not trust flattery.

He continued, "It's not that we want you to say anything specific to Stephanie. We would just like you to encourage her to take more risks, not to be so afraid of failing, and not to let her friends' opinions dictate what she does and does not do. Through elementary and junior high school she was fearless, and she totally trusted herself, but for the last couple of years this has all slipped. She seems to look to everyone around her rather than to herself."

"Well, you do know that she is a sixteen-year-old girl, right?" I was too far into blurt mode to stop now.

The parents answered in unison, "What do you mean?"

"That what you are describing is fairly typical behavior for girls Stephanie's age: tuning out parents, paying more attention to what friends think than what they think, and paralyzing self-consciousness that gets in the way of trying anything new for fear of looking bad."

The mother looked scared. "Yeah, we've heard that this is normal, it's just that it's not normal for Stephanie. We've never seen her like this before and it worries us."

I relaxed, leaned back, and said, "Oh, now I get it. You're afraid that what she's going through now is more than a phase, aren't you? You think it might be a permanent condition?"

They said in unison, "Yes, exactly!"

"Well, in that case, I'm more than willing to use my influence to help prompt her to trust herself more and more as the year unfolds. That'll be easy."

Now it was their turn to relax. And Stephanie's mom said, "Thanks, that's a bigger help than you realize."

Here are some points to remember when it comes to making use of the adults in your teenager's life:

• Acknowledge that this person has status in the eyes of your teenager. Believe it or not, this adult may not realize or appreciate this simple fact until you tell her.
• Do not burden her with all the details of what is happening at home, the "who says what and when" syndrome. All she needs is the general lay of the land. Remember, you're not going to her for counseling, nor is this person prepared to offer therapy.
• Do not prescribe exactly what you want her to say and do. Your teenager trusts this person because of who she is as a person, so don't put this at risk by overlaying the relationship with all your expectations.
• Back off. Once you've had the conversation, give their relationship space and time. That is, don't call this person every other day for a progress report.
• Do your research. Before speaking to the adult, find out a bit about her from other parents, teachers, and kids. This will help you ascertain how much to share and how much to ask.
• Trust your intuition about this person.
• Invite this adult to trust her intuition, too. That is, if she detects a change in behavior that is disconcerting, encourage her to contact you before there is any proof. A hunch will do. Because we live in such a litigious time, most teachers won't reach out with their suspicious feelings unless they have proof, so your best antidote is to reach out to them first, paving the way for them to call you should the need arise.

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