Techniques to Develop Trust and Responsible Behaviors in Teens
Many teenagers who have trouble with trust and responsibility are similar to the "behavior kids"; in order to develop self-discipline and a responsible attitude, they must first develop the desired behavior (cleaning their room, doing their homework, coming home on time). In other words, the focus is more on behavior than on attitude. After the behavior is developed, hopefully an appropriate attitude will gradually be established. The following techniques help the child develop self-discipline, responsibility, and trust. Define the Rule and the Consequence
You must tell the teenager what you expect, but more important than the rule is what will happen if she complies with your request and what will happen if she does not. Spell out rules and consequences at the same time. Put the responsibility onto the adolescent's shoulders. If good things happen to her, it is up to her. If bad things happen, it is also up to her.
The general techniques of setting rules and consequences are discussed in detail in another section. I would suggest that you review this information, because these rules are the primary techniques that are used to develop responsible behaviors.
When trying to develop responsibility in youngsters, many parents focus primarily on assigning chores (cutting grass, putting out the garbage, feeding the dog). This is fine, but it is not the main way that children develop responsible behavior. Chores usually involve consequences; that is, if a child does not put out the garbage, he does not get his allowance. The reason that chores are often used to develop responsibility is that predictable consequences usually follow the teenager's behavior. Therefore, when you are trying to develop responsibility or self-discipline in your child, you should spell out the rule and the consequence before the rule is broken. Then whatever happens to the teenager is a result of his behavior and no one else's. Responsible behavior can be encouraged throughout the day with this method.
Also, by spelling out consequences ahead of time, you avoid using random discipline and giving the teenager the impression that others are responsible for the consequence that has happened to him. This is extremely important to the adolescent, because with random discipline he feels unfairly treated. Most parents are careful and specific rule setters: "I want you home at 1:00 A.M., no later." However, many parents make the mistake of deciding the consequence after the teenager breaks the rule. Under these circumstances, the youngster is apt to feel unjustly treated. If an adolescent is dealt with primarily in this fashion, it is somewhat difficult for him to feel in control of what happens to him and to develop responsibility for his own behavior.
Tie All Consequences to the Child's Behavior
At first when trying to develop responsibility in some teenagers, it is best to tie as many consequences as possible to their behavior. In other words, you set up a situation where the adolescents will earn their rewards and pleasures, as well as their punishments and disappointments. Not only do you spell out disciplinary measures ahead of time, but you also try to relate all consequences to their behavior. Put them in control of the consequences of their actions - good or bad.
- Tell the teenager who has been using the phone every night but doing nothing around the house that she now has to earn this privilege by performing some chore.
- Set up a rule and a consequence for your son so that he no longer gets to use the car on weekends unless he shows you certain behaviors.
- Inform your daughter, who used to get on the Internet just for breathing, that she now has to perform certain duties in order to have access to the computer.
You should not assume responsibility for the teenager or her behavior. Make her responsible. If you force her to do her homework every night or do it for her, you are more responsible for the work being completed than the child. If you have to tell your son 47 times to take out the garbage before he complies, you are more responsible for the task than the child is. And the next night you will probably have to do the same thing. The teenager completes the task, but he doesn't develop responsibility or independent behavior. You may have to act as his motivator until he gets married or leaves the house.
For days a parent tells her child to clean his room, but it never gets done. Eventually, she gets fed up, drags him to the room, stands over him, and makes him clean it. In several minutes the room is spotless, but who is responsible for the room being cleaned? The parent. A better way to get this room cleaned and encourage responsibility in the teenager would be to spell out expectations and consequences ahead of time. Put the responsibility on the adolescent. Avoid forcing him to do what he is supposed to do.
These same situations occur when parents allow a teenager to become dependent on them. Either the parents help the teenager excessively, or they do things for her. This may involve picking up after teens, keeping their rooms cleaned, waking them up for school, locating their keys. When parents act in this way, the adolescent finds it difficult to learn independent and responsible behaviors because it is easier to let someone else do things for her. Avoid allowing the teenager to become too dependent on you for performing tasks for her that she is physically capable of doing.
Children who are spoiled and often have their needs met for them, who are in more control than their parents, or who frequently get their own way also have a difficult time developing responsible behaviors. The same situation exists when parents "run interference" for the teenager and protect him from experiencing the consequences of his actions. This parent-child interaction should be avoided to establish self-discipline and responsibility.
Make the Consequences Different for Positive and for Negative Behaviors
Some teenagers do not develop responsible behaviors because the same thing happens to them whether they perform the required task or not. The adolescent thinks, "I'll be able to go out Friday night whether or not I cooperate around the house" or "I'll be able to use the computer whether or not I do my homework." If someone said to me, "You can go to work and I will pay you, or you can stay home and I will pay you," I certainly would be out fishing instead of working. In fact, I would have to be stupid to go to work. The same situation exists for children who feel that if they get into a jam, they will be able to manipulate their way out of the situation and again they will not experience the consequences. You have to make the consequences different for teenagers if you expect to change their behavior or develop an attitude of responsibility. In other words, one thing will happen if the adolescent cooperates around the house, and something entirely different will happen if he does not cooperate. Be sure the teenager is experiencing different consequences for different behaviors.
Win the War and Forget About the Battles
Sometimes it is better to lose a few battles, but win the war. It may be more important for your teenager to experience the consequences of his behavior than it would be for you to get the task accomplished. For example, you say, "You cannot leave the house today until you clean the fish tank." He comes back with, "I don't care. I didn't want to go anywhere. I'm going in the den to watch television." Now you think, "What am I going to do now?" The answer is "Nothing." The rule sticks. In this example, getting the fish tank cleaned should be actually the fourth thing you are trying to accomplish. The first thing is to make the teenager aware that there will be two different consequences to his behavior, positive and negative. The second thing you are trying to achieve is to teach the child that he is responsible for his behavior. In other words, "Whether you go out in two minutes, two hours, two days, or two weeks, there is only one person in the entire world who can determine that and that is you. You are responsible for what happens to you." The third thing is to teach him: "I am going to do what you tell me to do. I am going to consistently follow through with the consequences that you decide. The consequences that happen to you depend totally on your actions. If you do not clean the fish tank, you are telling me that you do not want to leave the house and I am going to be sure that this happens. If you clean the tank, you are telling me that you want to go outside and I will follow through with that."
Sometimes, parents continually battle with a teenager - about homework, cleaning up the bathroom, picking up clothes, cleaning up after herself. They try to win each battle by forcing the child to do what they request. Although they eventually win each battle, the teenager does not develop any independent or responsible behavior. Your daughter refuses to help in the kitchen and you tell her, "If you do not help me, I will not be able to pick up your boyfriend after school tomorrow and bring him to the house. If you help me, I will be able to bring him." Now perhaps the child will refuse to help you in the kitchen and not have you pick up her boyfriend. You may look at this as, "I lost. She won." However, it is more important that she experience the consequences of not cooperating than that you force her to help. After this happens a few times, she may be more responsive when you say, "Would you please help me in the kitchen?" For some behaviors, it may not be important to get the child to comply. When the teenager experiences the consequences of her behavior today, you may get more cooperation tomorrow. Most times you can forget about the battles and focus on the war.
Do not get into power struggles if the teenager refuses to cooperate. You are dealing with a young adult and must exert a different form of control than used with the younger child. A parent tells a teenager to do something, he refuses, then an argument starts and develops into a power struggle. Avoid this scenario whenever possible and deal with your teen calmly.Maintain a Businesslike Approach
Some people will do things for you because of a relationship that has been formed or because you have been nice to them. Other people would see this willingness as a weakness that can be exploited and used. Suppose you have done ten favors for me in the past. One morning you ask me to drive you to pick up your car, which has been repaired. I am busy and do not want to take you, but ten flags pop up in my head and remind me of the favors that you have done for me and the fact that you have been very nice to me. Therefore, I say, "Come on, I'll take you. Where do we have to go?" Another personality type might think that he has "put something over" on the person ten times and say, "No, I can't take you. I am busy." Some people you can pay in advance to paint your house, and you know the work will be completed. Others you would never pay until the job is finished; otherwise, it might never be completed. Most business contracts have rules that must be followed in order for the contract to be fulfilled. Never tell the teenager, "I am going to get you a new fishing rod, and because I've gotten it for you, I want you to improve in school." It is better to say "We can get your new fishing rod as soon as you improve in school." The child needs rules or expectations and consequences spelled out ahead of time, and consequences should occur after she fulfills the expectation, not before. "You promised to cut the grass this afternoon. You will get your allowance after the grass is cut, not before."
Avoid Harsh, Lengthy, or Major Consequences
Some teenagers learn responsibility by repetition of consequences. For them, rather than have one big thing happen, it would be better if they experience twenty small consequences. Rather than taking away the phone for a month at a time, it might be better to take it away twenty times for one day. Severe, harsh, or lengthy punishments usually will work with the "attitude kid." For example, if you took away her phone privileges for a month, the attitude kid would go to her room every afternoon and think, "What a stupid thing I did. I can't talk to my friends. It's boring not to be able to talk on the phone." In other words, you would get her thinking about what she had done and the consequences she is experiencing. Using this approach with "attitude kids" can help to change their thinking pattern or to develop a new attitude. On the other hand, the "behavior kid" would miss the phone for the first day or two, then adapt to the situation and not talk on the phone or go down to the corner convenience store and use that phone.
Major, lengthy, or harsh consequences do not affect some teenagers. So failing a grade or having to go to summer school may not significantly change a behavior. Although a child may have to go to summer school, he nevertheless escapes doing homework dozens of times, and the major consequence of failing or going to summer school will not change his attitude about homework. It's better for this personality type to have the parent check with the teacher every Friday, and if the boy has completed all of his homework and class work, positive consequences follow. If he has not completed the work, a different consequence occurs. Using this approach a number of times a year is more effective than imposing one large consequence.
A "behavior kid" learns responsibility by repeated consequences. The more we can get him to do something, and something happens that he either likes or dislikes, the faster the behavior will change and an attitude will develop.
Big incentives or rewards that occur after a long period of time also do not work as well with the "behavior kid." At the beginning of the fall term, we may tell the teenager who has been slacking off his schoolwork, "If you have a B average by Christmas, we'll take you to Disney World for the holidays." Or, "If you do not get detention again for the rest of the term, we'll help you buy the mountain bike you want." If you offer this type of long-term incentive to some teenagers, they will work like crazy for three days after you spell out the expectation and consequence, but will rapidly slide back into the old behavior. Or they will not show any behavioral change until three days before the report card, and then they will study 24 hours a day. For this particular personality type, it might be better to use a short-term goal such as weekend privileges, based on a report of his performance in school for the week. If you decide to use a long-term goal, you could also get a weekly report from school and he could earn points toward that goal on a weekly basis. In other words, the teenager having difficulty in school would receive points each week for completing homework and classwork, for paying attention in class, or for good behavior to avoid detention. If he has a certain amount of points at the end of the specified period, he can get his trip to Disney, his mountain bike, or another desired reward.Avoid Giving Sentences
"Go to your room." "You're not allowed to watch television this weekend." "You can't use the phone for four weeks." "You will have to stay in after school for a week." These statements work well with some teenagers, but not with others. Some adolescents serve the sentence, then do the same thing again. Sentences are primarily given to change an attitude and to get a teenager to think differently. Sentences work with the "attitude kid," but not with some other personality types.
Some teenagers work better toward things when there are goals or incentives. If you do give these youngsters a sentence, you want to put a light at the end of the tunnel; that is, a way they can work toward something or get out of the sentence. For example, rather than say, "Because you have been doing poorly in school, you cannot use the phone for four weeks," it would be better to explain, "You are grounded from using the phone for four weeks because you are doing poorly in school. However, each evening that you do your homework and do not give me any trouble, you will be able to talk on the phone that night." For some teenagers, if all you give is a sentence, the only thing that you can be sure will happen is that they will not talk on the phone and will serve the sentence. Their attitude toward homework or schoolwork will probably not improve. However, if you give them a sentence with a light at the end of the tunnel (a way to work out of the sentence), you may get a better response regarding their homework and schoolwork.
Avoid Excessive Explaining, Lectures, and Reasoning
Teenagers look forward to lectures about as much as we do to a heart attack. Many parents talk, explain, reason, and lecture too much. For some adolescents, this approach will not benefit in developing a better understanding of the situation, nor will it help them to acquire responsible behaviors. Some teenagers will not accept explanations or reasons why they have to do something. One, five, fifty, or five hundred explanations will not satisfy them or make them understand. The only thing that will please them is what they want to hear. A teenager faced with a history test may ask, "Why do I have to study history? I'll never use it. It's dumb." After you offer numerous logical reasons and explanations of why history is an important subject, he is still objecting. The only thing that will satisfy him is for you to say, "Yes, you're right. History is dumb. Don't study for the test." However, you cannot respond in this fashion. Sometimes the only reason that it is necessary is "Because I said so."
Model Responsible Behaviors
We are very powerful models for our children. They learn both good and bad behaviors from watching us and seeing how we solve problems, deal with certain situations, or interact with people. If your teenager sees you acting in an irresponsible fashion or showing a lack of internal control, there is a strong probability that she will learn this type of behavior. Show her responsible actions.
Assign Chores
A large majority of parents feel that the performance of chores or duties around the house is a big part of developing responsibility. Giving a teenager duties around the house will not, by itself, develop responsibility, but it will help. When assigning tasks, you must state not only what you expect, but also what the consequences of failure to do the chores will be. There are several ways to do this.
An allowance may be based on chores. A teenager gets a certain amount of money for her allowance each week. Her jobs are to clean the cat's litter box every day and wash the dishes four times a week. Each time she does these chores without being told, she earns a portion of her allowance. If she does not do them without being told, she loses that portion of her allowance. Whether she gets the full allowance at the end of the week is totally her responsibility.
Another teenager's duty is to put his clothes away after they are placed on his bed. The rule might state, "I won't wash any more of your clothes until the clothes that have been placed on your bed are put away."
The adolescent's duty is to feed the dog, but she never does it without being told. Her mother might say, "You don't get your supper until the dog is fed." The natural consequence of not being responsible is that the teenager's supper is delayed and she may get hungry.
A youngster may be told, "If the bathroom is clean by noon, I'll drive you to your friend's house. If it is not clean by then, I'll have to clean it. Since that will give me more work and involve more of my time, I will not be able to drive you. You will have to walk to your friend's."
The use of logical or natural consequences can center around chores. You tell a child, "This is our house and we are all responsible for what has to be done in the house. Your father has certain responsibilities, your sister has chores, I have many things to do to keep the house running, and you also have certain jobs. If you do not hold up your end and do not do what you are supposed to do, that means someone else will have to do it. When this happens, the other person has to use his or her time and energy to complete your responsibilities and will have less time and energy to do things for you." In other words, if the teenager cannot perform duties and tasks around the house to help other family members and make things easier for all involved, then the rest of the family will not do things for the teenager that will help him out or make things run more smoothly for him.
Chores can help develop self-discipline and responsibility, but they can also teach the adolescent to manipulate her parents if the parents do not consistently monitor the behavior. A teenager's chore is to clean her room before she leaves the house on Saturday. However, even though she does not always perform the task, she is still allowed to leave. If this happens, the parents are encouraging inappropriate behaviors and a lack of responsibility in the child.
In assigning chores, you must be very specific and define exactly what you mean by a clean room or a straightened kitchen. You must also specify the consequences of this behavior ahead of time. Your teenager's definition of a clean room may be different from yours, so it has to be clearly defined.
Once the rule and consequences are clearly spelled out, you should deal with a lack of compliance in a very calm and matter-of-fact way. For example, you tell your teenager, "You have to take out the trash by seven every night. If it is not taken out by then, I will take it out and you will not receive a portion of your allowance that day." If the chore is not completed, you should follow through with the specific consequence rather than nag, remind, lecture, or shout.Distribute Chores Equally Among Siblings
If there are several children in the house, have them sit down and assign a weight or value to each chore. This will avoid arguments like, "I'm doing more work than my brother" or "My sister has an easier job than me." For example, the youngsters may decide that feeding the dog, emptying the dishwasher, and similar activities have a value of 1 point. Cleaning the table after meals, sweeping the kitchen, and similar activities are worth 2 points. Vacuuming, putting away clothes, and other jobs may have a value of 3 points. Cleaning the bathroom may be worth 4 points. By assigning different weights or values to activities, the children can feel that the system is fair and they are not doing more work than their siblings. If a child cleans the bathroom, which has a value of 4 points, another child may have to do four activities valued at 1 point each that day to equal his sister's work. Another way to create a fair situation among siblings when it comes to chores is to vary the activities. On a calendar you could write the child's name on the day he is supposed to do a particular chore. For example, if you have two children, Jason and Alan, and one of their chores is to feed the dog, you could alternate the initial J or A on the calendar every other day. When it came time to feed the dog, all you would have to do is look at the calendar to see whose day it is. By using this method, one child would not feel as if he has fed the dog ten times for every one time his brother completed the chore.
When, as a family, you establish the methods you'll use to share chores, set up at the start a time, place, and agenda for discussing how all of this is working.
Give an Allowance
An allowance is a fixed amount of money given to children on a periodic basis (weekly, biweekly, monthly). They could receive the allowance for doing nothing other than breathing or they could earn the allowance for performing household chores or duties. If an allowance system is put into practice in your home, base it on some type of work or behavior. It need not be a significant amount of work, but receiving the allowance should be contingent upon some type of behavior or job. An allowance system can often be used to help children develop responsibility or to teach them the value of money. However, there are several things that must be kept in mind when implementing such a system.
The range of incentives and rewards greatly decreases as children get older. For the adolescent, the range is somewhat small and often directly or indirectly involves money. When deciding whether an allowance should be used for a particular chore or be contingent on a certain level of cooperation or behavior, the first question that must be asked is how important money is to the child. Some professionals feel that children should not receive money for certain behaviors, while others think it is all right. Some people feel that children should not be paid for things they are supposed to do. Money can be used as a reward or an incentive, but an allowance system is appropriate only if the teenager values or needs money. Some parents say they have instituted an allowance system, but it does not work. In many cases, the reason for this is that the teenager does not care about money, and to him one dollar is the same as one thousand dollars.
Another factor in deciding whether an allowance system should be implemented is "Does the teenager need money?" You tell a child that he will receive an allowance of $5.00 a week for putting out the garbage and walking the dog. He does not complete the chores and does not get the allowance. However, any time he is with you at the store and wants a soda, you buy it for him. At the shopping mall when he feels like playing a video game, you give him money to play. On Saturday you pay for him to go to a movie. Why does this child need his own money? He doesn't, because he is getting everything he wants. Whether he does the chores or not, he is still able to get the money he needs to fulfill his wants. A parent instituted an allowance system for her twelve-year-old daughter for performing chores around the home. The first week the allowance system worked beautifully, but after that it did not work. When the young girl was asked why she was not doing the chores, she said that any time she needed money she could go next door to her grandparents and they would give her all the money she needed. If an allowance system is used, you must dry up other sources of income in order to produce a need for money.
Another way to make the allowance system work is to specify certain activities or items that you will not pay for or purchase for the teenager. In other words, you tell the child that he will be given a certain allowance each week for doing certain duties. He is to use this money for going out on the weekend, buying gas for the car, playing video games, or anything else he wants. You will not pay for any of these material things or activities. If they are important items to the child, he will then need the allowance to pay for them himself.
The amount of allowance a child receives is based on two general factors: your financial situation and the needs of the teenager. However, it should be kept in mind that you can give too much allowance. This may create a situation where the teenager accumulates money. When he has enough, he does not have to work because the need for money does not exist. The purpose of the allowance system is thus defeated. You must assess the needs of the teenager and try to base the allowance accordingly. Naturally, a younger adolescent does not need as much spending money as an older one. What you expect a child to do with this money should be realistic. For example, it may be very difficult for a fifteen-year-old who receives ten dollars a week to use this allowance for both his lunch at school and movies on the weekend. Find out how much things cost today and try to become aware of your teenager's needs and the cost for him to fulfill these needs.
Be sure you and your child have the same idea of what is expected and what the consequences will be.
If the teenager does not earn the allowance, he should not receive it. If he earns the allowance, you must be certain that he receives it. You must be consistent. If you are inconsistent with payment of the allowance, the teenager may manipulate you or not complete the task, or his motivation may decrease and his performance may be affected. If he performs the chores assigned, he should receive his allowance on a regular basis. In addition, you should never take away all or part of his allowance when the adolescent has earned it by completing his specific assignments. This will also decrease the effectiveness of the system. For example, a teenager has earned all of his allowance for helping around the house with various chores. On Friday when he is to receive his allowance, he comes home with a detention and because of the detention he is not given the total allowance. As a result, the next week when it comes to motivating him to do chores, he is probably not going to comply.
An allowance earned should be received. But be consistent and do not give the child the allowance if he has not earned it.
From Keys to Parenting Your Teenager by Don Fontenelle, Ph.D. Copyright © 2000 by Barron's Educational Series, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.
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