Teaching Teenage Girls to Say No

Teach girls to say NO

by Gavin de Becker, Family Safety Expert

(From Protecting the Gift. Copyright 1999 by Gavin de Becker. Published by The Dial Press. Reprinted with permission.)

How would it be if teenage girls had some initial wariness about every man they encountered? It would be realistic - sad maybe, but realistic. Here's why: rapes and other sexual crimes are virtually always committed by men, and most rapes and sexual assaults happen to girls under eighteen years of age.

Does this mean a teenage girl should have a ''Prove-to-me-that-you-aren't-dangerous'' attitude with all new men? No, because dangerous men are the very ones most frequently seeking to ''prove'' they aren't dangerous. The strategies such men apply are designed to gain your trust. Men who will not harm you needn't persuade you to trust them; they simply act appropriately from the moment you meet them and for as long as you know them. They do not exude forced harmlessness like the drama teacher everyone assumes is gay, or the understanding neighbor who says, ''If you ever need to just get away from your parents for a while, consider my place open to you.''

Other than by the passage of time, it isn't possible for a man to prove he isn't dangerous, nor is it his responsibility to do so. It is, however, a young woman's responsibility to heed intuitive signals if she gets them, and it is her responsibility to learn and recognize strategies of persuasion.

I'm realistic enough to know that teaching teenage girls about safety isn't easy. Warnings of danger haven't become any more compelling than they were when you first heard them from your parents. That's partly because there is an appropriate divide between teenagers and their parents; nature wants young adults to tear away for a while and find their own path. Also, while a mother is probably familiar with every important life-experience her teenage daughter has had (because she had them herself), their cultural experiences are hugely different. Here are some humorous but true examples:

Your teenage daughter has never feared a nuclear war; to her ''The Day After'' is a pill, not a movie. She's too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, she has no idea that hostages were held in Iran, she knows there was a president named Reagan, but doesn't know he was shot, and if she's heard of Robert Kennedy, it's because he's John Kennedy, Jr.'s uncle. The expression ''You sound like a broken record'' means nothing to her - she's never owned a record player. She doesn't know who shot J. R. or even who he was, and the same for Mork and Mu'ammar Gadhafi. The Titanic was found? Until the movie, she didn't know it was lost. She has no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool, and to her, America, Alabama, and Chicago are places - not music bands. Finally, there's been only one Pope, Jay Leno has always been the host of ''The Tonight Show,'' popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave, and Michael Jackson has always looked like this.

This list shows that many things in the world have changed, but unfortunately, there are many more that haven't changed, including intimate violence, date rape, rape, and murder. In our violent patriarchy, some mothers and teenage daughters may find that their shared target-status brings them closer together.

Of all the lessons a mother might pass to her daughter, the most valuable can be summed up with just two letters: N-O. Though the word No is one of the most potent in our language, it is among the least popular. In part, that's because most of us grew up associating that word with not getting what we wanted. Most kids hate the word, but as they grow, there is exceptional value from learning to love it. Though perhaps hard to imagine, this single word can play a central role in safety, particularly for young women, and particularly when she comes to dating age.

Teaching teens about this isn't easy because they've learned so much about dating from movies and TV shows. A popular Hollywood formula could be called Boy Wants Girl, Girl Doesn't Want Boy, Boy Persists and Harasses Girl, Boy Gets Girl. Many movies teach young men that if you just stay with it, even if you offend her, even if she says she wants nothing to do with you, even if she's in another relationship, even if you've treated her like trash (and sometimes because you've treated her like trash), you'll get the girl.

Young women will benefit their whole lives from learning that persistence only proves persistence - it does not prove love. The fact that a romantic pursuer is relentless doesn't mean you are special - it means he is troubled.

Young women (and all women) benefit from understanding this paradox: men are nice when they pursue, and women are nice when they reject. The most troublesome part of this niceness is the too-popular practice called ''letting him down easy.'' True to what they are taught, rejecting women often say less than they mean. True to what they are taught, men often hear less than what is said. Nowhere is this problem more alarmingly expressed than by the hundreds of thousands of fathers (and mothers), older brothers (and sisters), movies, and television shows that teach most young men that when she says no, that's not what she means. Add to this all the young women taught to ''play hard to get'' when that's not what they are really feeling. The result is that ''no'' can mean many things in this culture. Here's just a small sample: Maybe, Not yet, Hmm..., Give me time, Not sure, Keep trying, and I've found my man!

There is one book in which the meaning of no is always clear. It is the dictionary, but since Hollywood writers don't seem to use that book very often, we have to. We have to teach young women that ''No'' is a complete sentence. This is not as simple as it may appear. Understand that when a man in our culture says No, it's usually the end of a discussion, but when a women says No, it's the beginning of a negotiation. This fact brings to mind a popular adage about selling: ''The sale begins when the customer says No.''

What starts as persistence often leads to unwanted pursuit, stalking, even date rape. I've successfully lobbied and testified for stalking laws in several states, but I would trade them all for a high school class that would teach young men how to hear ''no,'' and teach young women that it's all right to explicitly reject. If the culture taught (and then allowed) teenage girls to explicitly reject and to explicitly say no, or if more of them took that power early in every relationship, stalking and date-rape cases would decline dramatically.

Teach girls to get rid of unwanted attention

Looking for Mr. Right has taken on far greater significance than Getting Rid of Mr. Wrong, so young women are not taught how to get out of relationships. That high school class would stress the one rule that applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: do not negotiate. Once a girl has made the decision that she doesn't want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation. If a woman tells a man over and over again that she doesn't want to talk to him, that is talking to him, and every time she does it, she betrays her resolve in the matter. If you tell someone ten times that you don't want to talk to him, you are talking to him -- nine more times than you wanted to.

When a young woman gets thirty messages from a pursuer, doesn't initially call him back, but then finally gives in and returns his calls, no matter what she says, he learns that the cost of reaching her is leaving thirty messages. For this type of young man, any contact will be seen as progress. Of course, some young women are worried that by not responding, they'll provoke him, so they try letting him down easy. Often, the result is that he believes she is conflicted, uncertain, really likes him but just doesn't know it yet.

When a girl rejects someone who has a crush on her, and she says, ''It's just that I don't want to be in relationship right now,'' he hears only the words ''right now.'' To him, this means she will want to be in a relationship later. The rejection should be ''I don't want to be in a relationship with you.'' Unless it's just that clear, and sometimes even when it is, he doesn't hear it.

If she says, ''You're a great guy and you have a lot to offer, but I'm not the one for you; my head's just not in the right place these days,'' he thinks: ''She really likes me; it's just that she's confused. I've got to prove to her that she's the one for me.''

When a young woman explains her decision not to accept or stay in a relationship, this type of pursuer will challenge each reason she offers. I suggest that teenage girls be taught that they never need to explain why they don't want a relationship, but simply make clear that they have thought it over, that this is their decision, and that they expect the boy to respect it. Why would she explain intimate aspects of her life, plans, and romantic choices to someone with whom she doesn't want a relationship?

The word rejection is weighted down with negative connotations; a better word is Decision, as in ''I have made a decision that we won't be having a relationship.'' This statement offers no reasons and begs no negotiations, but young women in this culture are virtually prohibited from speaking it. They are taught that speaking it clearly and early may lead to unpopularity, banishment, anger, and even violence.

If a teenage boy still pursues after hearing a girl's decision, he is saying, in effect, ''I do not accept your decision.'' If he debates, doubts, negotiates, or attempts to change her mind, her resolve should be strengthened, not challenged. That's because she can be immediately certain that she made the right decision about this person. Obviously, she wouldn't want a relationship with someone who does not hear what she says and who does not recognize her feelings.

An unwanted pursuer might escalate his behavior to include such things as persistent phone calls and messages, showing up uninvited at her classes or home, following her, and trying to enlist her friends or family in his campaign. If any of these things happens, assuming that she has communicated her decision one time explicitly, it is very important that no further detectable response be given. When a girl communicates again with someone she has explicitly rejected, her actions don't match her words. The boy is able to choose which communications (actions versus words) actually represent the woman's feelings. Not surprisingly, he usually chooses the ones that serve him. Often, such teenagers will leave phone messages that ostensibly offer closure, but that are actually crudely concealed efforts to get a response - and remember, he views any response as progress.

Message: Hi, it's Bryan. Listen, I just want to see you again. All I'm asking for is a chance to say good-bye; that's all. Just a fast meeting, and then I'm gone.

Best response: No response.

Message: Listen, it's Bryan. You won't hear from me again after today. I'm calling for the last time. (This line, though spoken often by unwanted pursuers, is rarely true.) It's urgent I speak with you.

Best response: No response.

Sometimes, what begins as persistence escalates to unwanted pursuit, and occasionally, outright stalking. There is an axiom of this dynamic:
MEN WHO CANNOT LET GO CHOOSE WOMEN WHO CANNOT SAY NO.

Many unwanted relationships start with a boy's pick-up strategies. These haven't changed much in a long time and aren't likely to, but the responses of uninterested girls could certainly include options other than ''You're cute but...'' Somebody recently sent me a list of funny comebacks to popular pick-up lines. I'm not necessarily recommending these responses, but girls benefit from knowing as many alternatives to compliance as possible:

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

Man: What's your sign?
Woman: Do Not Enter.

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I'd go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

However she puts it, every time a young woman says No, she is actually saying Yes to something else: she is saying Yes to herself. One thing's almost for certain: if a teenager is fluent in the use of the word No, she will at some point be called a bitch. It needn't be an insult, as I learned from a young college student who learned it from her father: Bitch stands for ''Boys, I'm Taking Control Here.''

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