Original URL: http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/self-esteem/42919.html

Teenagers: Self-Esteem Through Integrity

All parents want their kids to feel good about themselves. High self-esteem in their teenagers, at first blush, appears a worthwhile goal because with it parents believe their kids will do better in everything they attempt and that they will even enjoy life more. It's almost a no-brainer for parents. If teenagers feel good about themselves, they will dare to try new endeavors; they will learn from their missteps and recover quickly from their failures; and they will treat others with more respect, much as they treat themselves.

Although all the forgoing is probably true, kids need to earn their self-esteem; we can't just give it to them because it's good for them. Sure, if we are lousy parents and treat our children poorly, we can increase the likelihood of poor self-esteem. Conversely, if we value them and treat them with respect, we can increase the likelihood of their developing high self-esteem. But in both scenarios, we can neither parent them directly for high self-esteem nor be certain about how they will behave with high self-esteem. (For example, gang members have some of the highest self-esteem around, and I doubt very much that any parent aspires to gang membership for his or her teenager.)

When parents focus on high self-esteem as a goal, they set themselves and their children up for some disappointing outcomes. Think about it for a second. If you parent for high self-esteem, what kind of behavior does it elicit from you? For most of us, it leads to lots of praise. We praise our kids when they do well. We praise them when they try hard but don't do so well. We praise when they try a little and don't do so well. We praise them when they think about trying but never get out of the starting blocks. We praise them when they don't try at all because we want them to try the next time and not to feel bad about themselves in the moment. And, when it comes to teenagers especially, we praise them when we're not sure what else to say; at least they make momentary eye contact when we sing their praises, even though they dismiss us seconds later as they roll their eyes and turn away from us. In part we understand this dynamic even as we praise them, and we excuse ourselves with the idea that over praising, although perhaps an exaggeration, isn't harming our children, either. Actually, that's wrong.

Over praise is the royal road to entitlement, which is one of the last outcomes parents want for their children. When we idly praise our teenagers in the name of self-esteem, we inadvertently give them the expectations that good things and experiences will happen to them because we think they are good people—or simply because they feel good about themselves. In general, this type of entitlement arising from over praise also leads to more of a focus on outcomes (materialism) than process (engagement with life).

Worse yet, the entitlement resulting from excessive praise leads kids to focus on how to persuade others to get them what they want, especially concerning their materialistic desires. According to a survey by the Maryland-based Center for a New American Dream, kids between the ages of twelve to seventeen, on average, will ask their parents nine times for something they want, even when their parents give an emphatic no the first eight times. In these instances, instead of their efforts going into the immediate quality of their lives, they are focused on having someone else take care of their desires. Worse, they fully expect that these things they nag their parents into giving them will make them feel better about themselves. This kind of transitory, materialistic self-esteem is the first cousin of entitlement.

Now, don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against well deserved and genuine praise. Quite the opposite; I believe the praise that is genuine, in the moment, and that hits the mark is of tremendous value. In part because it verifies what the person already knows. Think about a time when someone praised you. If the praise was accurate, you probably quietly nodded your head in agreement and said, "Thanks." You knew that person was correct in their assessment, which helps everything go a bit deeper.

On the other hand, think of the last time that someone praised you when you knew the praise was exaggerated. You probably found yourself disputing the praise—"Actually, it was no big deal. If I had been paying more attention . . . "—or changing the subject because something didn't quite feel right, often by returning the praise, even though it wasn't what you were feeling—"Yeah, you did a great job, too." Thus the cycle of pseudo mutuality moves forward. That is, false praise is often politely reciprocated with more false praise, all because neither party wants to acknowledge that the proverbial emperor is naked.