Teenagers: A Little Failure Is a Good Sign

Teenagers best come to understand the depths of their resourcefulness and resilience through adverse conditions: failure, disappointment, loneliness, grief, sadness. There is nothing wrong with this, and fortunately or unfortunately, every teenager has plenty of these experiences. Our job is to let them have these experiences, not try to rescue them from their pain and discomfort in the name of self-esteem.

Or, in the words of newspaper columnist and author Joan Ryan:

Webster's defines resilience as "an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change." If physical resilience comes from exposure in childhood to germs and bacteria, personal resilience comes from exposure in childhood to failure, embarrassment, disappointment, grief, fear and doubt.

Yes, it's difficult to watch from the sidelines as your teenager suffers in any way, but it's also the time that your quiet support strengthens the connection between the two of you. That is, your not doing anything except remaining present and optimistic is usually just what your teenager needs during a tough moment. This sends two important messages: 1.) I will not abandon you. 2.) You can handle this situation. In the end, this respects their independence in a nurturing way; it's the kind of connection that both you and your teenager want with each other.

It really sucked when my girlfriend, Kira, broke-up with me. We had been going out for over a year and she was by far the most serious girlfriend I had ever had. I was miserable for weeks, even months. Most of my friends weren't around, in part because I kind of let them slide while I was going out with Kira, so I hung out at home a lot: just sitting in my room listening to music, lying on the sofa channel surfing, or sleeping. But through it all my parents were pretty cool.

Mom made my favorite foods for dinner and got into the habit of bringing me some snack towards the end of the night. She would just knock on my door, bring in some cookies or ice cream, and hang out a bit. She was just waiting to see if I wanted to talk about Kira—sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't.

And my dad made a point of inviting me to all sorts of activities that we hadn't done for years. He even took me to a pro basketball game, and I know for a fact he doesn't even like basketball.

I know they were just trying to cheer me up, even though we all knew that it was going to take time for me to feel better. Still though, I appreciated their efforts and that they gave me the space to do what I needed to do. I also liked that they were around, and even though I didn't talk to them that much about Kira, it was nice that they took the time to hang out in case I felt like talking.

When your teenager goes through a tough event—gets cut from a team, loses an election, does poorly in a class—she needs your quiet support much more than your cheers of self-esteem from the sidelines. Your support allows her to turn inward and address whatever crisis she is facing. Your support tells her that you believe she can handle it. Yes, you encourage her to move on, not as a means of distraction from her pain but as a normal part of healing. This quiet belief in her healing abilities, just when she is doubting herself, is what makes the connection between the two of you stronger.

For teenagers, it's best if parents let them fail while they are still living at home because you will be around to help them through the low spots. It's while they're living under your roof that they garner the experience they need to get through these tough times. Then, when they're older and living on their own, at college or elsewhere, they have experience to fall back on. The last thing a parent wants is a kid to leave home never having experienced suffering or duress in her life because she would lack the requisite experience needed to deal with inevitable down times and failures when they occur.

It's not just about failing; it's more about failing and then picking yourself up and getting back into life again, scarred but better prepared for the world, too. This is the stuff of real, deep-down, authentic self-esteem. It's the kind of self-esteem your teenager makes for himself, and which, if you keep your eyes open, you will witness.

Yet after your teenager experiences a setback, it's difficult to remain on the sidelines quietly and expectantly waiting for him to get back into the swing of things. Yes, he needs your support, but more than ever he needs your honest support and reassurances. This means you must acknowledge reality as you encourage him to move forward.

More on: Surviving the Teen Years