Original URL: http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/self-esteem/42920.html

Teenagers: A Little Failure Is a Good Sign

Teenagers best come to understand the depths of their resourcefulness and resilience through adverse conditions: failure, disappointment, loneliness, grief, sadness. There is nothing wrong with this, and fortunately or unfortunately, every teenager has plenty of these experiences. Our job is to let them have these experiences, not try to rescue them from their pain and discomfort in the name of self-esteem.

Or, in the words of newspaper columnist and author Joan Ryan:

Webster's defines resilience as "an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change." If physical resilience comes from exposure in childhood to germs and bacteria, personal resilience comes from exposure in childhood to failure, embarrassment, disappointment, grief, fear and doubt.

Yes, it's difficult to watch from the sidelines as your teenager suffers in any way, but it's also the time that your quiet support strengthens the connection between the two of you. That is, your not doing anything except remaining present and optimistic is usually just what your teenager needs during a tough moment. This sends two important messages: 1.) I will not abandon you. 2.) You can handle this situation. In the end, this respects their independence in a nurturing way; it's the kind of connection that both you and your teenager want with each other.

It really sucked when my girlfriend, Kira, broke-up with me. We had been going out for over a year and she was by far the most serious girlfriend I had ever had. I was miserable for weeks, even months. Most of my friends weren't around, in part because I kind of let them slide while I was going out with Kira, so I hung out at home a lot: just sitting in my room listening to music, lying on the sofa channel surfing, or sleeping. But through it all my parents were pretty cool.

Mom made my favorite foods for dinner and got into the habit of bringing me some snack towards the end of the night. She would just knock on my door, bring in some cookies or ice cream, and hang out a bit. She was just waiting to see if I wanted to talk about Kira—sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't.

And my dad made a point of inviting me to all sorts of activities that we hadn't done for years. He even took me to a pro basketball game, and I know for a fact he doesn't even like basketball.

I know they were just trying to cheer me up, even though we all knew that it was going to take time for me to feel better. Still though, I appreciated their efforts and that they gave me the space to do what I needed to do. I also liked that they were around, and even though I didn't talk to them that much about Kira, it was nice that they took the time to hang out in case I felt like talking.

When your teenager goes through a tough event—gets cut from a team, loses an election, does poorly in a class—she needs your quiet support much more than your cheers of self-esteem from the sidelines. Your support allows her to turn inward and address whatever crisis she is facing. Your support tells her that you believe she can handle it. Yes, you encourage her to move on, not as a means of distraction from her pain but as a normal part of healing. This quiet belief in her healing abilities, just when she is doubting herself, is what makes the connection between the two of you stronger.

For teenagers, it's best if parents let them fail while they are still living at home because you will be around to help them through the low spots. It's while they're living under your roof that they garner the experience they need to get through these tough times. Then, when they're older and living on their own, at college or elsewhere, they have experience to fall back on. The last thing a parent wants is a kid to leave home never having experienced suffering or duress in her life because she would lack the requisite experience needed to deal with inevitable down times and failures when they occur.

It's not just about failing; it's more about failing and then picking yourself up and getting back into life again, scarred but better prepared for the world, too. This is the stuff of real, deep-down, authentic self-esteem. It's the kind of self-esteem your teenager makes for himself, and which, if you keep your eyes open, you will witness.

Yet after your teenager experiences a setback, it's difficult to remain on the sidelines quietly and expectantly waiting for him to get back into the swing of things. Yes, he needs your support, but more than ever he needs your honest support and reassurances. This means you must acknowledge reality as you encourage him to move forward. In this regard, Milton Erickson, M.D., a famous psychiatrist who was a master of hypnotic and trance work with clients and students, was an inspiration. One story that sticks in my mind, and that pertains to the kind of support your teenager needs after a setback in acknowledging reality as he moves forward, had to do with what happened when one of Erickson's sons fell and cut himself badly on his upper thigh. At the time, the boy was a small child and when he hurt himself he screamed in pain as only a child can. As I remember the story, the other adults tried to reassure the boy that everything would be fine. Their words had no effect on the boy. As soon as Erickson came up to his son, he paused, looked at the cut, and said something along the lines of: "You've fallen and cut yourself badly on your right thigh. It hurts, probably a lot. It stings, too. It hurts a lot, and you are bleeding quite a bit, which is scary." Then he proceeded to touch the blood with his finger, which he held up and carefully examined. "But look closely at your blood. See how deep red it is? That means you have good strong blood, which will speed up the healing. Here, take a close look and see how red and healthy the blood is." To everyone's surprise, except Erickson's, the boy stopped crying and looked closely at the blood on his father's finger, to which he said, "My blood is really red—deep red. That means I'll heal fast, right?" And when they brought the child into the hospital, he was still captivated by the high quality of his own blood and curious about the healing process his body was already engaged in. His father continued to listen and to talk about what kinds of things his son would need to do to heal as quickly as possible.

The principles of this story are wonderful and eminently applicable to your relationship with your teenager. When your child is suffering after a failure of sorts, always start by acknowledging the reality that she is experiencing: You didn't get the lead in the play, which you worked so hard for. You're disappointed, sad, and angry, which is what you should be feeling. Part of you may even want to quit the cast entirely. Another part of you may be harboring negative thoughts towards the director, even the other kid who got the lead. All you do initially is comment on reality. Whatever your teenager is experiencing, you put words to it. And don't worry if you're off a bit; she'll correct you before you have time to catch your breath. Let her correct you. Play the student wanting her to clarify a bit more. What else are you angry about?

Once reality is acknowledged, you are free to move things forward. And you'll be down for awhile, but you may surprise yourself by what pulls you out of it—a friend, a new activity, maybe even becoming captivated with the part you did get in the play. Anyway, before it's all over, you'll have proved to yourself that you are a hard-working and talented actor. Then move on.

In the vernacular of hypnosis or sales (two fields too similar for my comfort, especially if you're on the floor of a new car dealership!), this is called developing a "yes set." This just means the person gets used to saying yes. You get his head nodding with questions or comments grounded in the reality of the moment; when his head has gained some momentum, you ask a question or make a comment that might ordinarily meet resistance. As a parent, you want to use the yes set as a means of giving support to your teenager in a way that she will take in and as a way of moving her forward through her healing, all while staying in connection.

You also want to help her learn how to learn from her mistakes as she continues to improve.

As a coach, part of my job, after each game, is to assess how well the team and each individual player performed. I point out both the good and the bad. This clears the air for the next game. The kids gain confidence from knowing their achievements and their mistakes alike. Over the course of the season, I gradually shift from taking the lead on these assessments to sitting down with the team as a whole and then letting each player individually make his own assessments, about the team and about himself. It's gratifying to watch them make this process internal as the season progresses. The only challenge for me is to make sure they aren't too hard on themselves, so often I end up reminding them of some of the positive things they did in the game.

Another successful coach I knew never criticized her players unless she gave them a chance to redeem themselves:

The last thing I want is players down on themselves at the end of the game, because it'll last through practices the next few days all the way until the next game. So when I take a player out and criticize her, I'm sure to put her back in the game later, so that she can correct her mistake. And I never criticize a player who I don't think has the ability to correct a certain mistake—I accept that as her limit, at least for the time being.

Moments of failure are the hallmark of being human. Your teenager is no different. The key ingredient is not avoiding failure, but what you do with failure, and in that regard parents are of enormous assistance.