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Adolescent Sleeping Patterns

Adults and teenagers have very different wake-sleep cycles, and once you understand these differences you can use them to enhance your relationship with your teenager. Taking this approach to heart means checking your world (and sleep) at the door to cross over temporarily into your teenager's world of time and biological rhythms. Midnight and beyond is the time of deep conversation for most adolescents, even though for most of their parents it is the occasion of much deserved REM sleep.

The average teenager needs just over nine hours sleep every night, even though the average teenager gets just over six hours. Research shows that adolescents have a different circadian rhythm (sleep-wake cycle) than adults. This biological difference leaves them feeling awake later into the evening and, as a result, unable to fall asleep at the earlier bedtimes of childhood. Most teenagers don't get sleepy until around 11:00 P.M., which, of course, means they are dragging in the morning when the alarm rings at 6:30 A.M. (Falling asleep at 11:00 P.M. on the button and rising at 6:30 A.M. sharp still means only seven and one-half hours sleep, or ninety minutes shy of what the average teenager requires.) Research conducted at the University of Minnesota indicated that over half the teenagers studied reported feeling most awake after 3:00 P.M. and that 20 percent claimed they fell asleep in school; this comes as no surprise given what time of night they fall asleep and what time in the morning they wake up.

The adult brain, on the other hand, releases the sleep-inducing chemical melatonin at around 7:00 P.M., and this is what makes us so drowsy just after dinner (leading some of us even to grab a catnap on the sofa under the guise of reading the newspaper). This state ensures that we're in bed at a reasonable hour—if we're listening to our bodies—so that we are rested (or at least better rested) when the alarm sounds in the morning. Unfortunately, these different realities of teenage and adult sleep patterns only exacerbate the typical teenage mantra, You just don't understand!

My sixteen-year-old daughter is so damn stubborn. For example, she never gets enough sleep and it's a major hassle to get her out of bed in the mornings. I swear, most of the time she seems to sleepwalk through breakfast and the ride to school, which worries me because she has been making noises lately about getting her driver's license. But no matter what I say, she won't go to bed earlier. I mean, if she just went to bed at 10:00 P.M., everything would work out better.

If you want to see a teenager in her natural sleep habitat, just visit any college dormitory. Midnight is the time of pizza munchies, group dancing in lounges, crisis counseling with friends, existential conversations about the meaning of life, and occasionally, even some studying. Of course, college teenagers understand their wake-sleep rhythms and as a result avoid eight- and nine o'clock classes at all costs. And, if escape from these courses is impossible, they supplement their early rising time with a two-hour, late afternoon nap. (Or they find a note-taking buddy with whom they can alternate class attendance.) The point is that a built-in sleep debt is no longer a given once teenagers enter college—they can work with and around their environment to get the sleep they need. Not so in middle school and high school, where schedules require that students rise early in the morning and remain busy all day and into the evening. The teenager who lives this schedule can get enough rest only by going to bed and falling asleep by 9:30 P.M. at the latest, every night, which isn't likely or realistic.

All this means that, given the current configuration of most school districts, teenagers are unintentionally set up to accumulate some serious sleep debt, which in turn impinges on their moods, concentration, stress levels, and general ability to learn. Teenagers are more sleep deprived than any other population across the life span. Assuming a last-minute wake-up alarm of 7 A.M., let's look at how the typical sleep week goes for a high school sophomore:

Sunday Night. She goes to bed at 10:00 P.M., but can't fall asleep until well after midnight because she isn't tired, in part because of her biological rhythm and in part because she stayed up until well past 1:00 A.M. on Friday and Saturday nights, and slept in as late as her parents allowed. Minus three hours.

Monday Night. She begins her homework on time but gets distracted by a phone call and some e-mails. Goes to bed at 11:00 P.M., but takes her an hour of tossing and turning before she falls asleep. Minus two hours.

Tuesday Night. She does her homework on time but has to counsel a friend on the phone who is having trouble with another friend. Then she has to call a couple of other friends to debrief. Goes to sleep at 12:30 A.M. Minus two and one-half hours.

Wednesday Night. She starts her homework late because she is checking in with the friend who had a problem the night before. Then she feels lazy and reads a magazine for a while before finally doing her homework, but she quickly gets too tired to finish the homework but not tired enough to fall asleep. Goes to bed and sleep at midnight. Minus two hours.

Thursday Night. She is anxious about the big test in school tomorrow—nervous because it's a test and overwhelmed because she didn't even finish the homework from the night before. She calls a friend to go over what is on the test as well as the homework, but they end up talking an extra half an hour about how stressed out they are over tomorrow's test and their lack of time to study. Goes to sleep at 1:00 A.M., but gets up an hour early for some extra cramming. Minus four hours.

At this point, our teenager has accrued a sleep debt of thirteen and one-half hours, and that's a conservative estimate. Worse yet, most sleep experts agree that for every hour of sleep debt we accrue we lose one point from our functional IQ. (Don't worry, getting caught up on your sleep brings you back to your base-level IQ.) This means that when teenagers have tests on Fridays (when most teachers give exams so they can correct them over the weekend and give them back to the students on Monday), most students are down at least thirteen points on their functional IQs. In short, Friday is the worst day of the week to test teenagers.

To complete the above scenario, most teenagers count on the weekends to reduce their sleep debt; on Saturday and Sunday mornings, they sleep in until noon and beyond, as well as grab naps whenever possible (usually when they are supposed to wash the car or rake the leaves). This drives parents crazy. In our society, sleeping late translates into sloth and lazy behavior, an attitude that will get our kids nowhere fast. One of every parents' top fears is that their teenager will never learn to push himself or put in an honest day's work. Ironic—for teenagers it's just about being tired, but for their parents it's about a good work ethic. Using Their Sleep-Wake Cycle to Connect
The silver lining to the reality that society and biology seem to conspire against your teenager's getting enough sleep is that the sleep debt gives you the perfect opportunity to connect with your teenager, for several reasons. First, they've had time to reflect on their day and to put it into perspective—to connect attitudes with behaviors, relationships with moods, big ideas with daily habits. In other words, they have things to say. Second, because it's the end of the day, their normally hypervigilant defenses are relaxed, and they're more apt to say things that they otherwise wouldn't discuss. Third, and again because of the late hour, there is no competition for their attention. No friends calling or dropping by. No critical choices to make about which party to go to later that evening. No agonizing decisions over what clothes to wear.

Teenagers open up most naturally late at night, and wise parents take advantage of this reality; an intrepid few even plan for these opportunities.

For the past couple of years, I've planned late-night spontaneous talks with my daughter—she's now at the end of eighth grade. Every couple of months, on a Friday or Saturday night that she stays at home and watches movies or television, I say my usual "Good night" at 10:00 P.M. and head up to my room for bed. Only on these nights I set the alarm for 1:00 A.M. When the alarm sounds, I hit the snooze a few times before getting up and stumbling downstairs. It's at this point that I fudge the truth with my daughter—I swear, it's the only time.

"What are you doing up, Mom?"

"Insomnia, just couldn't sleep." Never mind those four snooze alarms.

Then I go into the kitchen and fix us each a cup of warm tea and a snack. Then I plop down on the sofa next to her and watch whatever is on the screen, hoping for some commercials or the end of the rented movie; at this point, I knock on her door. "So how are things with you?" Then I wait.

It's almost always the same: At first, she speaks haltingly, but then once she gets some momentum she more or less free associates in front of me. And all I do is nod, give an occasional encouraging grunt, or an expectant look. She does the rest.

I've learned more about her life during these talks than I have in all the family dinners we've shared during the last three years. The only rule I have for myself is never to interrupt her with my opinions, suggestions, warnings, and, above all else, lectures. Sure, when I'm back in bed a bit later, I'm often left sleepless (and experiencing real insomnia) and anxious over what she has told me, but at least I'm in the loop. Over the next few days, I usually manage to touch base on some of the highlights of those late-night talks with her—the things that kept me awake at night for days afterwards.

Late at night is when your teenager is most reflective, so it's always worth your efforts to make yourself available when he is willing and able to catch you up on his world. It's just as important to learn how to stay receptive as an audience. This is not the time to lecture or have your needs met. That is, if you expect a late-night talk to quell your anxiety over the upcoming prom date, then you had better think again. This is the time for them to introduce you to their thinking process as well as the young men and women they are becoming.

Parents often complain that their kids are too busy to talk with them, and to some extent this is true. Still, though, at the same time, this belief isn't exactly correct, either. The truth is that when they aren't too busy to talk with us, we aren't around, we're usually asleep. The parent who wants to connect with her teenager, therefore, does a certain amount of planning to hang out and remain available late at night, when her teenager is most open to talking. But still some of the best moments happen spontaneously and because you trust your intuition.

My daughter was really upset from the moment she got home, but whenever I inquired about what was up, she gave me that evil teenage stare. I kept my distance: not too far, not too close. Within reach if she needed me, but out of striking distance in case she wanted to vent on me. I had no idea what was bothering her, but she knew that I knew she was upset. I think she was a tiny bit grateful that I wasn't pushing her to open up, at least that is what I was telling myself.

Before turning in, I gently knocked on her door.

"It's open."

"Hi, honey. I'm just going to bed and wanted to say goodnight."

"Yeah. Goodnight."

"Okay, goodnight. Um, you seemed upset when you got home, anything I can help you with?"

"No. Well, maybe. Nah, I doubt it. It's just that . . . "

It was at this point that the daughter in the above scenario launched into a vivid description of what had transpired between her and her best friend, Elizabeth, at lunch that day. As the daughter told her story, the mom intuitively realized that her child had been playing and replaying the event through her head ever since arriving home—the quality of her voice, the rapid pace of her speech, and her exasperated expressions had tipped her mom off. So after hearing the story, the mom waited to make sure her daughter was finished, then she asked a few simple questions. Before long, her daughter was opening up about all sorts of issues besides what had happened with Elizabeth at lunch. Mom went to bed much later than anticipated that night, and she slept with a smile on her face. Sure, her daughter was dealing with some difficult decisions, but the connection between her and her daughter was intact. Here's what that mom had to say a few days later:

The next day, however, was a bit strange. By the light of day, we both realized that she had opened up with me much more than she had planned. There was an odd tension between us, actually from her to me—I felt great about the night before. Still, I could sense that for me it was some sort of test. If I pushed her to stay open or brought up all that she had said the night before, I was in for a rude shove. If, however, I could meet her glances, pick up on her nervousness, and give her the space she needed, our relationship was going to get stronger. Weird, as I realized this that next day, all I could think of was the woman at the gym who told me that after a hard workout with the weights, it's important to give yourself a day without lifting to let the muscles recover and grow. That's what it felt like with my daughter.

This is worth reemphasizing: The day after opening up to you, your teenager will experience an emotional hangover—she's worried that she told you too much and is kicking herself for doing so. Expect this and plan for it. This means more than ever following her lead. In other words, don't rush in to tie up loose ends from the night before; let it all come together naturally over the next few days. Your silent presence reassures her that you are safe to open up to and that you believe in her. This approach lets your teenager know that you have confidence in her and in her ability to handle whatever it is that she is facing, and that you're always there for her.