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Teens and Driving

The Driver's License
If you are like most parents, when your teenager begins taking the steps towards getting a driver's license, you will experience intermittent waves of anxiety and excitement. Anxiety over the prospect of your child driving a car; after all, driving accidents are the leading cause of death among American youth. (In 2000, for example, there were over 2 million teenage driving accidents and over 6,000 fatalities.) Excitement over your new-found freedom from having to play chauffeur on twenty-four-hour call. But just below the surface of these two dominant emotions, most parents will detect a small current of grief. And this grief is twofold.

There is no greater signifier of your teenager's independence than her driver's license. Once she has her license, she no longer needs you as much as she used to. Furthermore, you have less control than ever over where she goes and whom she goes with. It's scary. All this says that you need to do your work about your teenager's driver's license long before she goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles for her driving test.

At the same time, her getting her license means less time spent with you, less opportunity each week to connect. This is when parents suddenly realize how many of their best conversations happened in the car.

I took it for granted that Cy and I had a good relationship. Maybe because I was a single mom and he was an only child, but for some reason we had always enjoyed good communication throughout his childhood and into adolescence. But it was when he got his license that I realized how much time we spent together in the car talking. At home, we were too busy living our lives; but in the car, that's where we talked.

Strange, now that he's driving, I know less about what he's up to than ever before, and not because of any conscious choice on either of our parts. More than that, I miss him—hanging out and especially laughing together on some of those rides.

And:

Sheila has been counting the days until she gets her license for the past two years. It's been kind of a family joke: How many more days, Sheila? And she always knew. She worked hard at part-time and summer jobs so that, after getting her license and driving safely without any tickets or accidents for six months, we allowed her to buy herself a used car.

But just last week the radiator sprung a leak and it took a couple of weeks for her to earn the money to have the repairs done. During that time, we reverted to old patterns, and I was again the designated chauffeur. It was wonderful. I had forgotten just how much I used to learn about my daughter by listening to her and her friends chatter and gossip in the backseat. It was great to catch up like that again; so much so that I'm thinking of slipping the mechanic another $100 to keep the car an extra week!

Of course, the time it takes to learn to drive and to get the driver's license offers yet another wonderful opportunity to connect with your teenager. In this context, he more than ever wants a close relationship with you so that you will teach him to drive, support him in getting his license, and let him use the car afterwards. Make use of these temporary and very real motivations. These are the times when he will open up to you, as much to let you in and hear your input as to show you how mature he is and, therefore, capable of driving the family car responsibly. Take What Your Teenager Gives You
Savvy parents recognize the motivations of their teenager to earn her driver's license and have access to the family car as they build on the distant horizon—months, sometimes years, before she is eligible for her license. Preparing for the license is a prime opportunity to practice giving the problem back to your teenager and sharing your anxiety:

Once we realized that Sheri was counting the days until she was eligible to drive, we decided to make it work for all of us. We told her that for her to learn to drive and to get her license, she first needed to sit down with us and talk it through. We wanted to address some of our concerns and some of her concerns as we created a plan that worked for all of us. Sheri was a little disappointed when we told her this because she had been hoping just to sail through and get her license as if it were no big deal. Though at the same time, I think (I hope) she was a bit relieved, too.

Given most teenagers' propensity for looking for the easiest way around an obstacle, it's no surprise that most display surprise, even shock, when you seem hesitant or mention concern over their driving. Don't take it personally. At the same time, don't believe it, either. Most teenagers, underneath that veneer of self-confidence, are anxious about learning to drive. Many, though not the majority, are open with their parents about this, and some even choose not to get their licenses as soon as they are eligible. So if your teenager is one of the admitted minority that isn't itching to get behind the wheel of the car, don't worry, he's still a normal teenager.

Many teenagers, even though inwardly anxious about learning to drive and getting a license, seldom share this with their parents. From their perspective, showing vulnerability invites parents to conclude that their teenagers are not yet ready to drive. That is, acknowledging doubt is tantamount to courting defeat, at least in the average sixteen-year-old's mind.

Of course I'm nervous about driving. Hell, I'm even a little scared. But I can't tell my parents that; if I did, my mom would be like, Well, if you're scared there must be a reason for it. And that reason must be that you're not responsible enough to handle driving. So let's wait for another year or so. I know you think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not—you just don't know my mom. So I just pretend that everything is cool and that I'm not worried in the least. That's what she needs to believe if she is going to let me get my license.

The cornerstone of a deep connection is that your teenager feels safe to show doubt and vulnerability with you. When she trusts that you understand these uncomfortable feelings are part and parcel of the complex myriad of emotions that we label as confidence, she will voice her doubts more easily; this, in turn, gives her more confidence in her ability to learn to drive successfully. And if that isn't a recipe for a close connection, I don't know what is. That is, if you have someone in your life with whom after talking about your fears, doubts, and anxieties, you feel stronger and more connected than before you shared, you quickly come to count this person as a trusted ally—exactly the role every parent wants for herself.

Your job is to court this type of relationship with your teenager:

We know that you're looking forward to getting your license in another eight months. Over time, this means lots of details to address, from passing the written test to learning to drive to getting insurance. But before all this kicks in, we want to talk with you about what you're thinking and feeling about driving.

At this point, don't expect much other than a shrug of his shoulders and a response of Not much. Hold your mud. Ask again, only now because you know he is motivated to get his license you can let him know the kind of response you're looking for. (This is the adolescent version of the Colder/Warmer Hide and Seek game: colder, colder, warmer, warm, really warm, on fire, etc.)

Statistically, one out of three teenagers and other new drivers have an accident during their first year of driving. And since we know you don't want to be one of these statistics, we're wondering what kinds of doubts you have about driving. I mean, it's responsible to consider the consequences and let them scare you a little. It's a hallmark of mature people. So does anything about driving make you nervous?

Besides the confused expression on your teenager's face, you can expect one of two responses: Either he'll launch into the doubts he has been having, or he'll ask, in his own way, for more time to consider the question. Geez, there's a bunch of stuff I'm thinking about, but I gotta go right now. Can we talk about it tomorrow?

Count on an interesting conversation in the next few days. Hear him out, and prompt him when appropriate: How do you imagine your anger about the stuff that happens everyday—getting cut off, a bad day at school, and your anger with us, too—will affect your driving? Do certain roads worry you more than others? Will your friends support your driving responsibly?

After this kind of conversation, it's time to ask him to take care of you as you support him in getting his license. That is, given all the forgoing, and given your anxiety over the possibility that he might be hurt in an accident, how can he learn to drive and get his license in a way that makes you feel responsible as parents? (Note that I did not say comfortable. When your teenager is getting his license, there is no way to feel totally comfortable; therefore, responsible will have to suffice.) From here, you move backwards in time. Start with a point in the future when he has his license and is a responsible and experienced driver, then move backwards until the present, noting all the growth points along the way. Somehow, conversations with teenagers always take on a different tone when you move backwards from a time when they are responsible and have what they want. This lets them know that they will get there and that you believe in them, but right now you both just need to figure out how this is going to happen. In getting the driver's license, one of the biggest questions is just exactly how your teenager will learn to drive the car. But before volunteering yourself (or your spouse), ask yourself whether you are really the right person to teach her to drive. If so, it can become a substantial piece of a solid connection between the two of you. If you're not the best person to teach her to drive, then acknowledge this, find the right person, and stay involved.

Neither my husband nor I have the temperament to teach Sarah to drive, but we wanted to be part of her learning. We posed this to her, and without missing a beat she suggested my brother, Ed, who lives on the other side of town. He's her favorite uncle and he was honored to teach Sarah to drive. The only caveat has been that either my husband or I accompany them: I'll drive Sarah over to Ed's and hop in the back seat while they drive. The only rule is that I keep my mouth shut!

I love it, and Sarah even seems fine with it. I know she's nervous about driving and welcomes my support, especially when it's not accompanied with my anxiety. And Ed is a terrific teacher, so I can relax about that.

Of course, she's still learning to drive with an official instructor in her driving course, but we all agreed it was best to have extra practice, especially in front of her dad and me so that we could see her progress with our own eyes.

Don't fool yourself in this regard, either. If you're not suited to teaching her how to drive, admit it. To do otherwise can do permanent harm to your relationship with your teenager:

Learning to drive nearly destroyed my relationship with my parents. My dad insisted that he would be the one to teach me to drive, and that we had to drive for at least twenty hours together before I could take the test. Let me tell you, my father is a terrible driving teacher. Before I even had the keys in the ignition, he was correcting me. You should adjust the seat and fasten your seat belts before you start the car. But who said anything about starting the car? I was just putting the keys in the ignition to free my hands to adjust the seat and buckle up! He was nonstop talk, always correcting me on something or another. I was nervous enough, but he just made me worse.

But that wasn't even the worst part. After that first time driving together, he bailed whenever I asked him to drive with me: Not now, honey. I've got to finish some work today. How about tomorrow? But the next day, he always had another excuse. I even tried scheduling times to drive, but he always cancelled. This went on for months and made me crazy. I was furious with him for flaking on me, but no matter what I said he insisted on being the one to teach me to drive.

My mom was useless. She just said it was between my father and me. There was nothing I could do, which is why it took me until the middle of senior year to get my license.

Your job is to help make it possible for them learn to drive, not get in their way at every turn.

When your teenager is learning to drive, he is most apt to talk with you in a more real and a more engaging manner than either of you are accustomed to, especially if you are the one doing the teaching. In fact, stay on the alert for the connection opportunities that occur right after some practice driving. Their vulnerability in learning to drive combined with your role as teacher sets up a level of communication and honesty between the two of you that will carry over into the time immediately afterwards. If you play your cards properly, this is when they will catch you off guard and suddenly open up about some other aspect of their lives. Plan for this. Stay available after driving sessions, and, whenever possible, don't schedule a driving session too close to any other commitment—yours or your teenager's. Enjoy the afterglow and debriefing that naturally occurs after times of shared vulnerability and of working together towards a common goal. In a similar vein, athletes and performers enjoy rehashing the big moments of games and productions long after they are over—many, many years later for some of us. Do the same with your teenager after your shared driving experiences.

In the spirit of meeting teenagers where they are, the Bridge Institute has developed new computer software designed in a game format to give new drivers experience in making decisions behind the wheel. Using this software, drivers learn basic facts about driving: Do you know how many blind spots a tractor trailer truck has? And, most important, they experience this information—on screen—in action. For parents, it's a great way to give your kids a leg up on learning to drive. Not only that, if you play the game with them, you see where they are proficient and what they still need to practice. And you have fun, too, something that doesn't happen during practice drives in your car. The Family Car: Your Teenager's First Apartment
For parents with a teenager who drives, this section makes for uncomfortable reading. Yet knowing the lay of the land helps.

Monday through Friday the family car is simply a means of transportation: how you and others in your family travel from point A to point B. For your teenager, this all changes on the weekends, and it is important that you appreciate the change. On any given Friday or Saturday evening, the car is transformed into your teenager's first apartment. It just happens to have wheels.

It was early in the afternoon and I was in the kitchen cleaning up after lunch. As soon as I saw Jason, I knew he wanted something from me. "Mom, can I use the car tonight? And, yes, I already asked Dad and he said it's fine with him if it's okay with you. Can I use it?"

"What time are you going to be home?"

"By sunrise, I promise. Regular time, of course, before one."

"Who are you going out with?"

"The usual suspects: Tim, Mychal, and Griffin. And no, we won't be drinking. And yes, if by some strange twist of the gods I did have something to drink, I would never drive. Yes, I know I can call you for a ride no matter what, but no, I won't need to call."

I smiled and relaxed, quite a bit. He was a smart kid—smart aleck, too—and he was definitely saying all the right things. "You're pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?"

"Just know the routine, that's all."

"That makes me feel better. Sure, you can use the car. Just remember to leave some gas in the tank."

"Thanks, Mom. You're the greatest! No, really, I mean it."

"Stop with the brownie points; just be careful."

Jason had a new bounce to his step as he headed towards the kitchen door.

"Oh, one more question: Where are you guys going?"

"Not sure. Maybe a party or a movie."

"Which one, party or movie?"

"I don't know."

"When will you know?"

"When we get there."

From here, these kinds of conversations normally deteriorate quickly. The more you press for "when" and "where," the more elusive and vague your teenager becomes in his responses. Although none of this is comforting, it is normal. For your teenager, it's not about where he and his friends are going, it's about their going together. They have committed to one another for the evening, and your teenager is their host. In the car, his car (at least for the night), everyone is free to speak his mind (no need to watch language or be polite). They can listen to whatever music strikes them (remember those CDs you won't let him play at home?). They can act like little kids in the car, climbing across seats, unbuckling one another's seat belts. Best of all for your teenager, he is their toastmaster. In essence, it's his dinner party; it just happens that the dining room is the family car, and the table and chairs are the front and back seats.

On a night like, this your teenager and his buddies spend much of the evening in the car hanging out with one another and looking for something to do. Essentially, they're on the lookout for other apartments on wheels. In this way, they find out what is happening of interest on that night by being out and about. On a typical Friday or Saturday evening, there are all these apartments on wheels driving around town looking for one another; and they can't tell you where they are going because they don't know themselves, yet.

As I said at the outset of this article, this is the reality, and it's an uncomfortable one for parents. Yet knowing it allows you to keep your connection with your teenager as you negotiate the terms of driving. That is, giving the problem back to him will usually win the day, and the night, too.

The car is an integral part of most teenagers' lives, whether they choose to get their licenses or not. Smart parents understand this reality and work with it to improve the connection they have with their teenager. Recognizing that sitting together in the car, whether they are sitting side by side or front and back, is a natural setting for the new relationship of parent as consultant. The intensity of face-to-face contact is diminished, which allows for more flow in conversation. Never be surprised by what is said in the car, whether it be on a short trip to the grocery store, on a long journey for summer vacation, or in a typical Tuesday carpool. Big moments happen during transitions, which means rides in the car—by definition always a transition—present a myriad of opportunities.