Raising Preteens: Realizing How Uncool You Have Become

Being the mother of a preteen is not the most ego-gratifying period of a woman's life. If you thought you were clueless about what to do when the baby was brand new, think again—this is the time when you really begin to doubt that you know what you're doing. You have far less control over your preteen children than you've ever had, because the second they leave your house they are making all kinds of decisions you may never know about.

Betwixt and Between

Expect to worry. A preteen child combines the toughest parts of teenage-dom and childhood: He's old enough to think he can make his own decisions, but he's still too young to recognize his limitations. And, to make matters worse, preteens seem genetically hardwired to believe that all parents (and especially moms) are stupid and ignorant and that somehow they have been dropped into your family by mistake.

Teenagers, you hope, have already begun the maturation process that may ultimately lead to responsibility. Preteens, however, are still too close to being children to be able to objectively see how they are presenting themselves to the outside world. And while they may want you to see them as cool and up to the minute, inside they may still be clinging to their teddy bears or worrying about the monsters in their closets at night.

The Mom's Side of Preteen-dom

The preteen years feel like a time of loss to many mothers. If you have defined yourself in any way by your relationship with your child (and who doesn't, at least a little bit?) you're sometimes going to perceive your child's behavior as pushing you away. You'll be strongly tempted to cling and try to retain some control over your child, but that's only guaranteed to make your child need to push away even harder.

Oh My Gosh! I'm Turning into My Mother!

One day you are going to find yourself haranguing your preteen, trying to maintain some control, and you'll suddenly realize that you sound just like your parents did when you were that age. At first you'll probably cringe at the recollection of how uncool you used to think your own mom was—and the realization that you have now become just as uncool to your kid.

If you're wise, you'll remember what you were like when you were trying to break away and become your own person—and you'll remember that you weren't doing it just to be mean to your folks.

Your preteen is not really rejecting you. She is just trying to find an identity separate from you at a time when she is terrified to let you go. The insults and cracks are your preteen's way of making it easier to let go of your constant protection.

Understanding—and Surviving—Preteen Angst

Preteens try to act cool, but in reality they are scared of everything. They know that they do not fit into the adult world and that they are not yet self-assured enough to fit in with the teenagers. But they also know they are no longer babies and that they can't hold on forever to the things of childhood. Nature is telling them to move on and they do not know how—except by making your life miserable.

When It's “Anchors Away, and Full Steam Ahead…”

Aren't mothers lucky? We want to be the anchor, while our child's motorboat tries to speed away. Preteens don't really want to be out of control, but they don't want to stand still for any length of time, either. Whether or not they admit it, they need us to be there for them. When they're all dressed up in the latest fashions and trying to imitate the people they admire, they may look older than their years. But if you really stop to listen to them they are still ordinary children.

And When the Old Toy Box Still Looks Pretty Good

If you're fortunate, your preteen might stay on the younger side of the teens, behaviorally speaking. If your child is still playing with toys or behaving in silly, childlike ways, count your blessings. These transitional years are the time when children can test their limits without having to go too far into any dangerous territory. This is a time of information-gathering and self-discovery. So don't worry about encouraging any behavior that you feel is more age-appropriate, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. Each child has a kind of internal clock that, when left to its own devices, will make everything that is supposed to happen, happen in its own time.

To Everything, There Is a Season

If your daughter still likes to play with her dolls in the preteen years, don't worry. Unless your child is expressing behaviors that clearly indicate she's having problems, be content to guide her gently, while letting her grow up at her own pace. Whatever you do, try to resist the temptation to compare your child to everyone else's kids.

Hanging on While Your Child Hangs Out

Your child hates you. At least, that's what she seems to be telling you, several times each week. Preteens are just like that—there are only extremes in their universe. Don't be too concerned about this when your child spews venom at you. Realize that, in the lexicon of preteen-dom, there are no shades of gray.

Communication, Preteen Style
A preteen says:	A preteen means:
I hate you!	I'm not feeling particularly good about myself right now.
I hate you!	The cute guy in homeroom saw me with a zit this morning, and now he'll never talk to me.
I hate you!	You're treating me like a child, but I really think I can do this by myself now.
I hate you!	I think I'm flunking algebra class.
I hate you!	I'm really scared right now and what I want most of all is a hug but I can't ask for it because, after all, I'm almost a teenager.

Coping with Them Fightin' Words

When preteens use extreme language (“I hate…,” “You never…,”) it is a way of expressing anger when more sophisticated tools are unavailable. And it's bad enough when your child talks like this in private. It's even worse when she lashes out in front of others. Even though it's embarrassing when your child says she hates you in front of your dinner guests, don't add fuel to that fire. Just say, “I know you are angry. I love you. We can talk about what is bothering you when you are feeling calmer.”

Your child will use anger at you to express many different things. She may use anger to manipulate you, or she may just be expressing frustration with her life. If you allow your feelings to be hurt every time you hear this phrase, you'll just be prolonging the conflict. It's better to let your child's mood work itself out.

Killing 'em with Kindness

When it seems that you just must react to your preteen's provocative behavior, remember this: There's nothing that will torture your child more than your refusal to respond to her tirades. If you do nothing while she's trying everything she can think of to rattle you, you are going to maintain complete control over the situation. Remember, however—the minute you get involved in a yelling contest, you have lost.

Riding the Preteen Roller Coaster

Preteens can be very emotional. Some of this has to do with their uncertainty about growing up, but some of it is strictly physical—they're starting to go through hormonal changes that they do not understand. Your preteen's ups and downs are there for her (or him—boys get them, too) to handle—they sure won't be very much fun for you. The best thing you can do is stand out of the way and wait until your child asks you for help.

The only real way to survive this stage in your child's life is to have begun building good communication much earlier. If you have a good basic relationship, your preteen may push you away but will still turn back to you when she needs your advice, counsel, and involvement. And make no mistake about it: A preteen needs a mother, perhaps more than she needs you at any other stage.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

If you have any doubt that the preteen years are a time of insecurity, just watch your child discover the mirror. In many ways, he is seeing himself for the very first time. He'll spend hours in front of the mirror, looking at every angle of his face, and all the while, he'll be comparing himself to everyone he knows. “Is my nose too big?” he'll worry. “I hate my ears,” she'll moan. This is a time of extreme self-consciousness, and your acceptance is an important reassurance that everything is still fine. Even though your child feels as if he's being turned upside down with changes, you can help him see that he is still the same person, only getting better.

Dealing with Dork-dom

All the while that your child is dealing with these changes, she has definitively demoted you to dork status. What's worse yet, now's the time that you're bound to start feeling like a dork, as the world changes around you. Your child's entry into the preteen years is the first time you'll really have to acknowledge that you're not a kid anymore, yourself. For the first time in your life you'll find yourself looking at clothing and wondering whether it will make you look as though you're trying to be too young. Now's when your supercool daughter can come in decidedly handy: When she tells you, “I'm in junior high, so I know about these things,” you'll be wise to realize she is right. Don't let it make you feel like a has-been—thank her for saving you from looking like one of those moms who always seem to be trying to be too cool.

Who Is This Child of Mine?

One of the things that will shock you deeply when your child hits the preteen years is how much her personality suddenly differs from yours. You may swear that no child of yours will ever listen to heavy metal rock and roll, and of course that's all she'll want to listen to. For years you may have forbidden him to watch horror films, and suddenly that's the only kind of movie he likes.

It is really difficult to accept that your child has an entire personality of her own and that you really can't influence it that much anymore. You can limit or forbid certain things, but you can't change what interests her.

Shifting Your Mothering-Style Gears

In the preteen years, your best bet is to recognize that you can't rely on force of will, or on the blanket “do it because I told you to” approach. You're better off concentrating on reinforcing the sense that you believe in your children and trust them to make good decisions.

As the mother of a preteen today, you're going to find that you have to make new rules for coping—your own mom's way of doing things often just won't work. You can't control all the influences he's exposed to, and you can't take him out to the woodshed with a switch when he misbehaves. You want to teach him to respect you and to respect himself enough to live up to healthy standards and resist peer pressure to get into trouble. By encouraging individuality and a strong self, you will give him the courage to refuse to go along with the crowd.

Staying Close, but Not Too Close

Be around for your preteen. Even though it appears your child can have more independence and can even spend time alone at home, try to make sure he is supervised after school. Those after-school hours between three and six are the hours during which kids are more likely to get into trouble. At this age you know your child is pretty capable—you know, for example, that he can use a microwave on his own, so he won't starve if he wants a snack when you're not there. But a preteen is still a child, and it's best if you can be there when he comes home from school. If you can't, at least try to have someone a little older there for him—someone who can offer support and supervision.

The preteen years are challenging but can also be the time when you do the most real mothering: When a child is young, hugs and kisses are enough to solve most problems—your simple loving presence is usually enough. It's when your child is a preteen that you can create a special bond that can grow over your lifetime. As your child begins to develop her own personality, separate from you, a new bond forms between you that ultimately will be transformed into mother and friend.

Your Child Is Changing, and So Are You

Just as your child is just beginning to discover his or her own identity, you also are going to go through many changes during your child's preteen years. You will be reevaluating your role as a mother as you adjust to your child's changing needs. At times you may feel very unappreciated. And, if your child is like most preteens, she's probably is driving you a little bit crazy right now. Don't worry about it—all it really means is that you're doing your job—you've given your child enough confidence to try things on her own, and enough security to dare to sometimes even challenge your judgment. Congratulate yourself for that.

You can have a good relationship with your preteen. As with any stage in your child's life, you want to stay emotionally involved. Let yourself love your child and cherish even the most difficult of days. You really will laugh at them someday. Just make sure to take pictures to use as bribes in later years. Catch a few candid mirror shots. They are worth a bundle, especially if you catch some with pimples or a bad haircut.

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Motherhood © 1999 by Deborah Levine Herman. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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