When and How to Wean

"All that is good is not forever." Nursing in the second year is not encouraged in our mainstream culture. In many other cultures, though, a child is weaned only when the mother becomes pregnant again. I admire a mother who dares to continue despite the pressures of our society. Mothers who are working outside the home have the additional challenge of pumping, bringing home milk, and maintaining their supply.

If a mother wants to breastfeed in the second year, she may find it helpful to consider her own reasons. It's not easy to breastfeed when a baby becomes a toddler. If a mother is breastfeeding because she finds it hard to give up her baby to a toddler's independence, she needs to be aware of this. A toddler's independence is the baby's most important job in the second year. If his mother can't tolerate his new challenges during this period, she may be interfering with these important new tasks.

But if you and your toddler are using continued breastfeeding for closeness, soothing, and nutritional reasons, you can enjoy these times while they last. You can even talk to the baby in simple terms about the feelings you both have during breastfeeding. At the same time, praise him for his feistiness to acknowledge his struggle for independence.

Weaning a child late in the second or third year can become more and more difficult, especially when a parent has mixed feelings about stopping. One way to help with the transition is to encourage use of a "lovey"—a substitute for the breast or bottle, something soft and comforting to touch, for example, a stuffed animal or a blanket. Tell him to go get his lovey when you are getting ready for a feeding. "Hug it while we nurse." Gradually emphasize the lovey as a way to comfort himself—when he falls or hurts himself, when he's making a difficult transition, such as going off to daycare or to bed. After a while, try to leave out a feeding and offer him the lovey instead.

If he has been in the habit of fingering your hair or your other breast, he may turn to his own skin or hair to soothe himself. Good for him! It makes weaning an easier transition, and he'll be learning to rely on himself for self-comforting.

You can still offer him the bedtime nursing "for comfort" even if you haven't much milk. Offer him a little water before bed after any milk or solid feeding—to help avoid tooth decay. Even if you've stopped these last feedings, sit by him at bedtime, so he won't feel that no more breastfeeding means he's losing you. Remind him that he has already learned to comfort himself with his lovey. You are turning over responsibility to settle himself for sleep to him. Gradually, he'll be able to turn to the lovey. But don't resort to leaving him with a bedtime bottle.

As you wean him, emphasize the cup. Be sure to offer plenty of dairy products—cheese, yogurt, and ice cream as well as milk in a cup (or in a bottle during the day). Cow's milk is safe for most children over 1 year of age. The fat in whole milk is important for brain development at least until age 2.

Mothers must decide when weaning is appropriate from their point of view, but their child's behavior can be their guide. Weaning seems important for the child's sake when everyone around him begins to disapprove. He will take it personally. A child may feel, "I'm too much of a baby." At that point, continued breastfeeding may be endangering his self-esteem. Don't let it.

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