Do Working Moms Make Better Moms?
by Kyanna SuttonIn her book When Mothers Work: Loving Our Children Without Sacrificing Ourselves, Joan K. Peters takes a critical look at the traditional American style of parenting, in which she says parenting really equals mothering.
Joan thinks the notion of mothering will have to expand and evolve and fathers will have to do equal "motherwork." She says people will have to change their attitudes about mothers who work if the family of the future is going to succeed.
Q: In your book, you write that when mothers work it benefits everyone; mother, father, and child. But some people might argue that women who elect to stay home with their children are actually doing the best thing for their kids. Is being a full-time mom at home an ideal situation for the family?
JKP: "Mother at home" is the American ideal, but it's peculiarly American. I begin my book with a quote from the great anthropologist, Margaret Mead, about how unique it is for mother to take sole responsibility for children. Jesse Bernard, the "mother" of sociology, offers her view, which is also mine, that a mother-at-home, alone with her children, may be the worst child-rearing arrangement of any culture.
Q: How so?
Sociologists cite the cross-cultural studies showing that the more solitary mothering is, the less tender the mothering! This runs exactly counter to our thinking, that only if mother is always there can she feel the tender maternal bond.
I think that if mother is always there, she is neglecting her identity and growth, which puts her mothering in jeopardy. When women are fulfilled in themselves, they have more to give to children. And women today, raised to fulfill themselves intellectually, financially, and socially rarely feel complete if they give all that up to stay home with small children.
Q: In your book you also suggest that moms who work are better models and better moms to their daughters. Why?
JKP: Moms who work are better models because they show their children that all people, men and women, get to have work, love, individuality, and family. If they see mothers pursuing "self," it gives them permission to develop their individuality, without feeling guilty or sorry for the mom who gave hers up.
Sons with mothers who work develop a respect for women's independence instead of imagining there will always be a woman to "serve" them. The newest long-term study of teens, by the way, noted that divorce or parents working did not affect whether kids turned to drugs, etc. The only relevant factor was parents who were involved in their children's lives. Working doesn't mean you can't be involved in your children's lives.
Q: You've said that most women "dared not" demand that fathers be equally involved in parenting. Why?
JKP: Women don't demand that their husbands be equally involved in parenting largely because they weren't reared this way. Women are taught to believe that men's work is sacred and they should never ask him to make work sacrifices, even for the family. As one Harris poll showed, even women who earn more than half the family income still believed they were responsible for the home! Why? Because that is the message from television, families, literature, magazines, and American Life. Sadly, women are often afraid of losing their men if they make demands. But making demands shows you respect your partner. It allows the two of you to remain equals, friends, close.
Q: In what ways does American society have to change in order to raise and educate emotionally healthy, happy, and successful children?
JKP: To raise happy, whole, healthy youngsters, America has to offer people jobs that allow for family -- private -- lives, not asking for 12 hour days but returning to the 8-hour day we fought for at the beginning of this century.
Our government has to pour money into education, offering safe, excellent schools in every neighborhood. Families must be able to rely on community supports, not just education, but community centers for children, top-quality subsidized universal day care such as Europe offers, and universal health insurance for mental and physical problems. That's a tall order, and it's only a start.
Q: In what ways do women who are moms have to change in order to become more fulfilled individuals and better, happier mothers?
JKP: Moms have to change by first sitting down with their partners to create a household they can find rest and joy in. That will often mean making a five-year plan for how the husband (or father of the children) will begin to take greater responsibility for managing the childcare. Perhaps he "takes over" dentist and orthodontist, making all the decisions, appointments, etc.
Whatever first step he takes means mother has that much more peace, with which to nurture her children and herself. Often, of course, if Dad cuts back in order to do more childcare, mother has to assume more financial responsibility, which is often a real challenge for women.
Q: You acknowledge that most of the issues you write about with respect to mothers and working are mostly relevant to mainstream white, middle-class mothers. How are the mothering styles of say Latina and African-American women different on the whole from the mothering styles of white middle-class women?
JKP: The American ideal of a stay-at-home mom is mostly a white, middle-class phenomenon. African-Americans and Latina women haven't often had the choice to stay home. Because they have to work, they assume that "motherwork" and other work go together. They don't feel the guilt for working; work is part of nurturing your family.
African-American sociologists also point out that the African heritage provides a more communal model of raising children than the white American model. Families share in taking care of kids and extended family is usually more closely involved. In this way, African-American mothers can serve as a model for mothering in a less isolated, guilt-driven, exclusive way.
I would also like to add that as much as I've relied on research and experts, I have struggled with the mothering ideal in my own home. It was very difficult for my husband to cut back his work and "really" parent. He just wasn't raised to do that, nor did he know any men who did. He also had to admit that I had to earn more to ease the financial pressure on him. That was very difficult for me, too; it involved giving up a teaching job I loved (but earned hardly anything doing).
Necessity being the mother of invention, however, I did manage to double my income. We also moved to a smaller home, leaving New York City, which was just too expensive. But it was all worth it. Now if our daughter wakes at night, she's as likely to call "daddy" as "mommy." We take more family vacations and all summer the three of us were able to end our day early and go to the lake for a swim. We don't argue about his "helping" more; we just "family" together.
