Helping Your Child Adjust to Childcare
Depending upon your family situation, your child may have no trouble at all getting used to a new childcare situation. On the other hand—particularly if he or she is a certain age and has been home with you as the primary caregiver for the past few years—going to a new location or having a new caregiver in the home all day may prove to be a difficult transition. The good news is that most children do eventually make peace with the new order. If you did not ask the childcare provider during your interview how she handles children with separation anxiety, be sure to do so before the first day your child is in day care. In addition, there are steps that you can take to facilitate the change in routine and ensure your child is comfortable with the different setting. Out-of-Home Care
Enrolling a child in a day care center or family day care presents a whole set of potential adjustment problems. Not only is the child with a new caregiver, he or she is in an entirely new environment. The more time he or she has to get used to the idea before going to day care for the first time, the smoother the transition is likely to be.
One of the best ways to put your child at ease prior to starting day care is to have him or her visit the facility or family day care home, preferably more than once, for short visits. He or she can interact with the primary caregiver at the facility, as well as with the other children that will be in his or her room, or not interact at all. It may take some time before your child is ready to participate with his or her classmates, and that is all right. Your job is to be supportive of your child and not push him or her into playing with or talking to others if he or she is not yet comfortable doing so.
Some experts suggest reading books with your child about going to day care before the first day arrives. One children's book dealing with separation anxiety is Benjamin Comes Back, by Amy Brandt and Janice Lee Porter (Redleaf Press, 1999). Both before and after reading together, talk about your child's feelings. Always be reassuring, explain why this arrangement is going to be good for him or her (he or she will make friends, get to play, etc.), and above all, remain positive. Your child is likely to adopt your outlook. If you have a bad attitude about the childcare situation or your return to work, chances are good that he or she will feel the same.
Another way to ease this big change in your child's life is to get him or her on an adequate sleep schedule at least several days, if not weeks, before the first time at day care, if he or she is not already on one. Grade-school-aged children typically need at least 10 or 11 hours of sleep every night; toddlers and preschoolers need even more. Determine how much time you and your child will need to unhurriedly prepare to leave each morning, and make that your child's wake-up time. Then count backwards from that time, 10, 11, or 12 hours, depending on your child's age and sleep pattern, and make that bedtime. Then keep to that schedule. A regular bedtime every night will help give a sense of security to a child in transition.
Try to spend a few minutes with your child when putting him or her to bed. Sing to him or her, read a book, or just talk (or let him or her talk). Not only will these become cherished moments for both of you, but the dependability of the routine will help him or her deal with feelings of uncertainty about going to day care.
When packing up for day care either the night before or the morning of the first day, you could try having him or her pick out a special item to bring. Be sure to check with the day care director first, to see if there are items they will not allow. A good facility will have space to store this belonging, and should not have a problem with him or her bringing a blanket or a toy that does not pose a hazard to others. If there is a good reason for not letting him or her bring an item, let him or her pick out a picture—or better yet, help him or her make a small photo album or scrapbook—that he or she can look at during the day. Your child may even come up with his or her own ideas for making the first day more enjoyable.
The transition to the new childcare setting may go more smoothly if you can take it in small steps. If possible, consider bringing your child in for an hour or two the first time. Of course, if you are beginning a new job and cannot take time off, staying in the day care center or home with your child will not be an option. One way around this would be to go into the facility or home an hour earlier than you normally would for the first several days, to give your child time to become accustomed to the surroundings. If you do this, however, you will want to move bedtime up an hour as well, so that your child still gets the necessary amount of sleep.
On the big day, when it is time to leave your child with the caregiver and make your way to work, reassure him or her that you will return at a specific time (such as after lunch, after naptime, or some other time that your child will understand). Try, with the caregiver's help, to get him or her interested in an activity. Then you should leave. He or she may show some distress, and it is perfectly all right to give your child a big hug, but it also may be necessary to be firm in explaining that you have to leave. If he or she remains resistant to your leaving, the caregiver should take over and allow you to go. Of course, you can and should contact the childcare provider at least once during the course of the day to see how your child is progressing.
A pattern of separation anxiety may repeat for more than a week or two. It is important not to react strongly to your child's anxiety by becoming impatient with him or her, or by showing that his or her behavior is upsetting you. Keep communicating with the childcare provider to see if your child remains agitated for a good part of the day or if the tears dry up shortly after you leave. If the situation does not seem to resolve itself quickly, and the pattern continues for more than a couple of weeks, it will be necessary to examine the childcare setting to see if there is more than just separation anxiety.
In some cases, it is not your leaving the day care facility that is traumatic for your child, but simply arriving at the center or home with your child triggers the distress. Once a tantrum becomes a regular morning activity, it may be a difficult habit to break. If your child acts out in your presence but calms down once you leave, one possible answer might be to have someone else take your child to day care for several days. Most parents are familiar with the phenomenon of the child who is a little angel for everyone but his or her own mom or dad. Having an third party drop your child off (if you have a close friend or relative who can do this for you) may help to cut off the custom of throwing a fit at the day care door.
Even if your child is adjusting fantastically to the new childcare situation, your continued involvement in his or her day, whenever possible, will help to keep him or her happy and secure at the center or family care home. If your childcare is close to work, perhaps you can have lunch with him or her on the same day or days during the week. Even if it is hard to visit on a regular basis, visiting periodically to bring a special snack to your child or read a book to the class will reinforce that you have not forgotten about him or her just because you are apart.
In-Home Care
The advantage in-home childcare has over day care centers and family day care is the familiarity of the surroundings for your child. He or she will be able to play in his or her own backyard during the day and will have his or her own toys around. Still, there may be some adjustment problems even if the childcare provider comes to your own house. There is bound to be a change in routine, or differences between your parenting style and your nanny's manner of childrearing, that might unsettle your child.
The best way to avoid these kinds of issues is to be sure that the nanny is thoroughly apprised of the customs and procedures your child knows. If possible, have the nanny come to your house for several days while you are still available to guide her thorough a typical day with your child. Show her the locations of first aid materials, toys and games, cleaning supplies, cooking utensils, and other items that she may need during the course of the day. Explain to her when you would like meals to be served and when children should be put down for naps. Go over limits that you would like enforced with regard to the use of televisions, telephones, and computer games. The better the nanny's understanding of your rules and expectations, the less confusion your child will have with a new caregiver.
As with out-of-home care, easing into the new situation slowly and having your child spend time with you and the nanny before leaving him or her alone in her care are both good ways to make the new childcare arrangement go smoothly. Take the nanny to your child's activities or school and introduce her to your child's teachers. Try some fun outings with the nanny and your child, such as a trip to the park or out to lunch, so your child will know that his or her life will not be disrupted too much by this new state of affairs.
Again, if you work near your home, lunch visits are a good way to keep in touch with your child throughout the day. If you are not close to home, it is easier to speak to your child by phone when he or she is at home than if he or she is at a large day care center. Depending on your agreement with the nanny, you may want to have her bring your child to your workplace from time to time during your lunch break. That is another advantage to in-home care. If you have a live-in nanny or an au pair, the transition may be easier yet. With live-in help, your children literally have all day and night to become accustomed to having the caregiver around. Because an au pair is not an employee but a guest of the family and is likely to be young as well, your child may not see her as a caregiver or authority figure, but more of a playmate. As has been discussed already, however, this could end up being a positive or a negative.
Copyright © 2005 by Linda H. Connell. Excerpted from The Childcare Answer Book with permission of its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc.
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