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Making It Work to Work

The foundation of staying sane while working is the same as if you were at home full-time: solid stress relief skills, support from your partner, and community with other mothers and families. On top of that, here are some practical actions you can take to have working work for you:

Finding a family-friendly workplace.
Sometimes you're stuck with a job, but usually, you've got some options. Before a planned pregnancy, you could look around for an employer that's more family-friendly than your current one, or start a business of your own; the same applies if you've taken significant time off your old job before returning to work. If you've come back to work some time ago, but the current situation is far from ideal, look around, using the want ads, headhunters, or resources on the Internet. You may also want to make a longer term plan and get specific training or experiences that will improve your skills and give you more options in the labor market. When you evaluate different opportunities, consider the family-related aspects of each job (in addition to the standard ones): Paid pregnancy leave? On-site childcare? Flextime? Telecommuting? Would your boss be sympathetic to your commitment to your children? Chance to avoid frequent business travel? Timesaving conveniences on the corporate campus, like ATMs, gyms, laundry services, or stores? The way you're likely to feel when you get home at the end of a day? Bottom line: what's the wear and tear going to be on your body and mind?

Managing maternity leave.
The Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) requires businesses with fifty or more employees to give women twelve weeks of unpaid leave, but many companies are not affected by the FMLA, and those that are vary in their individual policies. Make sure you are crystal clear on the details that apply to you, keep a copy of the employee manual or any other applicable records, and take written notes of relevant conversations with a benefits manager or your boss. Once you know what you're working with, try to make a plan that's as flexible as possible, because there's a lot of inherent uncertainty about how you will feel and how it will go with your baby, especially if you're a first-time mom. You don't have to give in to pleas or pressure from people at work to return sooner than you'd like: just keep listening to that wise voice inside you that knows what's best for you and your family.

Continuing to breast-feed.
As we've seen, there are many benefits to you and your child of continuing to nurse while going off to a job. In some cases, you could nurse her at your work site (through on-site childcare or a nanny bringing her to you), zip over to see her if you live nearby (or she's in childcare nearby), or just go down the hall if you work at home. But more commonly, breast-feeding while working means pumping at work. Unfortunately, most workplaces are at best unhelpful when it comes to pumping, without any place more private than the ladies' rest room, and some are downright hostile.* Happily, many resources can help you continue with breast-feeding while you work, including articles in Mothering magazine (look to their Web site, www.mothering.com, for a listing), or the LaLeche League. A lactation consultant (your OB/GYN or midwife can refer you to one) can advise you about pumping or storing breast milk. Finally, for most mothers, feeling encouraged to continue breast-feeding - by a partner, other mothers, and hopefully coworkers - is vital, and it's appropriate to ask openly for the support you and your baby need.

Dealing with coworkers who grumble that you're getting special treatment.
There's no need to skulk around or pretend that you're childless, but you could also take reasonable steps to stay off their radar screens, like scheduling doctor appointments after work or during your lunch hour (if possible), and not using work time to chat about children. Do what's reasonable to make up any missed work. If you can't attend a meeting or go on a business trip, tell your manager in advance so you and she can make other arrangements, and talk with any coworkers that may be affected.

Standing up for your rights.
If you feel that you are being discriminated against at work due to being a mother - such as unreasonable exclusion from certain meetings, career opportunities denied, or outright demotion or firing - contact the National Partnership for Women and Families (202-986-2600; www.nationalpartnership.org) and they can help you understand your rights.

Stopping work from spilling over onto home.
The occasional call from the office is one thing, but it's another to have already limited time with your children and husband routinely interrupted and consumed by work. You may need to create a polite but firm boundary at your job, delegate more, or insist on increasing staffing so that the tasks that somehow can't wait at 5:30 p.m. get done earlier in the day, when they should have been done. Even without the phone ringing, if you're preoccupied by a problem at work, it could help to talk about it briefly with your mate, perhaps blowing off some steam, so you can set it aside for the next day.

*Besides stressing mothers, this attitude is shortsighted from a strictly business perspective. For example, one study found that working mothers who pumped breast milk had lower absentee rates than comparable mothers who weaned their babies (due to fewer colds and other illnesses in their children that required Mom to come home). Working at home.
But what do you do if you work at home? Four million or more corporate employees work from home at least part-time - lots of them mothers - and many other moms run home-based businesses. To stay both relaxed and productive, try to minimize interruptions that are not work-related, like letting the phone machine pick up a call from a friend that you'll return later. Make it clear to your children, friends, and husband that even though you're home, you're still in worker mode and need to have your time and focus of attention respected. If you feel isolated, call or e-mail people at the office, get out of your home - even if its only to do some business reading over lunch - or perhaps arrange for a coworker or assistant to come see you. It's especially important to keep your manager posted on your output if you're not in the office. Finally, don't let work fill your home like a bad case of Bermuda grass: schedule specific times to be on the job, and keep work materials in specific places, like inside a home office or on a particular desk.

Stopping home from spilling over onto work.
Fathers seem generally able to drop any concerns about children on their way out the door, but many mothers have a harder time doing that because of their visceral connection to their kids. If there's something you really need to pay attention to during the day, like the status of a child who may be too sick to stay in childcare, then so be it: make discreet phone calls and give your manager a heads-up that you might have to take a long lunch or go home early.

But if it's one of those common but more diffuse problems - like wondering why your four-year-old still has a case of the terrible twos - you could make a mental appointment with yourself to think or worry or plan about it at a specific time that day, like during lunch, or at your desk for fifteen minutes (no one has to know what you're pondering). And do what you can to have your husband handle a big piece of the problem himself: maybe it makes more sense for him to set up an appointment with a doctor, or make a few calls to start the ball rolling on getting a different baby-sitter.

Some work sites are friendly places where people feel quite open about their personal situations, whether it's grousing about a balky car or comparing notes to see whose child is the pickiest eater. But some aren't so chatty, and it's prudent to err on the side of caution because - unfair as it is - it's not hard to stir up doubts about a woman's capacity to focus on her job if there are any issues with her children. You can always choose to explain something in the future, but once you've spilled your guts about a problem at home, it's all out on the table and there's no way to unsay it. Besides, it's your private life. You don't need to apologize, or preempt anticipated criticism from others by doing it first to yourself: I'm so sorry, my baby got sick again. Babies get sick, toddlers freak out because they just can't stand it any longer not seeing their mommy, and preschoolers fall off of jungle gyms - and not one bit of it is because of you, and a fair-minded and neutral person would say that it's always more important in the larger scheme of things to take care of your child that day than it is to take care of some task at work. If you've got to leave to handle something, make your apologies with dignity, and then take care of any unfinished work as soon as you're able. That's all anyone can do.

Shifting gears from work to home.
During the transition from work to home, use the commute to send your mind in a more relaxing direction by listening to books on tape, inspirational talks, or soothing music. Think about your children, how nice it will be to see them, and how you'd like the evening to go. When you get home or to the childcare center, perhaps wait a few minutes to clear your mind, go for a short walk, or simply relax in your car with a magazine. Walking up to your front door, imagine that you are placing any job worries into a basket outside your home, where you can retrieve them on your way to work in the morning - if you really want to. When you first see your children, whether at childcare or in your living room, try to let them have your full attention for a while; once they've had a recharge of mommy juice, it's usually easier to slip away for a bit to change clothes, flip through the mail, or make a quick call.

Getting help from your husband.
When you're going off to work, you really need a partner who does his share at home. While fathers whose wives work tend to do more than fathers whose wives are full-time mothers, working mothers still typically do more total work than their husbands. Tell him that researchers have found that dads who help more with children have greater well-being than dads who do not.

Handling business travel.
The biggest transition from work to home occurs when you walk through the door after a business trip. This scenario is more common than ever, since millions of women - many of them mothers - take one each year. To ensure that going out of town doesn't mean going out of your mind, try to arrange the details in advance with your husband, like a written note listing the kids' vitamins. Many dads step up without a quibble, but if your husband grumbles, remind him that your business trip is a both-of-us-problem, not a me-problem, and it's more than fair for him to do his part without dropping any guilt bombs on you.

For the kids, you could show them on a calendar when the trip is coming up, the day(s) you'll be gone, and when you'll be back. Try to be understanding about any distress; on the other hand, while you may regret that you need to travel, you don't need to be guilty or apologetic. For your time away, try to leave daily notes and treats from Mom, and maybe a present to open each night. Most children old enough to talk will appreciate a daily phone call, perhaps both morning and night; some out-of-town moms also like to send e-mails. Or - wild idea - take the kids with you. Maybe your spouse could come along, or a friend with children, who'd be happy to take your child along on day trips while you're in meetings. If it's just you and your child, look into childcare in the city you're traveling to, or neat activities for kids; perhaps your employer will pick up some or all of the bill.

For yourself, really enjoy the nice parts of business travel, like room service, peace and quiet, and someone else doing the laundry. This is a chance to catch up on some long-overdue self-nurturing. And you might like to bring stuff from home to feel connected: photos, kids' drawings, a mug decorated by a child, and so on. Stop your imagination from running away into catastrophic thinking - Ohmigod, the house has burned down - but feel free to call home, even at odd hours, to reassure yourself.

Nonetheless, even with all the clever strategies in the world, sometimes its just not right to go out of town: maybe there's a performance in the Christmas play at preschool, or the third trip in four months is simply too much. You're not alone in saying no; two in three parents have turned down a business trip that conflicted with some activity of their children's. Talk with your manager as soon as possible, and see if anyone else can go or if there are any alternatives, like videoconferencing. Over the long term, you may want to join other parents at work to push for policies on business travel that take families into account, like not having to spend an extra night in order to save on airfare.

Helping kids feel connected to you at work.
When you drop a baby or toddler off at childcare, tell him how much he's in your thoughts and your heart while you're at work, and how he can feel your love inside him all day long; in a mysterious way, he may get the gist of what you are saying, and he will certainly sense your care and love.

With a preschooler, make sure he has a photo of you at school (maybe of you working). You could also tuck a picture or note into his lunchbox each day, and perhaps call to check in, as long as that doesn't make him upset. If possible, arrange for him to visit your office, maybe on a Saturday when things are less hectic. He could meet your colleagues at company events, or you could have one or two over for dinner. Explain what you do, tell stories about coworkers, or describe the physical setting of your job; you could even bring a disposable camera to work and take a series of photos, starting with the outside of your workplace, then moving through doors or down hallways to where you work, maybe with pictures of some of your coworkers. At night, have him imagine a glowing, golden rope connecting him to you throughout the day; in the morning, remind him that whenever he wants, he can feel that cord joining you together.

Picking up signals.
Keep your radar out for signs that two parents working is taking a toll at home, like a toddler who's getting increasingly clingy or a five-year-old becoming quiet and withdrawn. Some changes may simply be necessary, like Dad coming home sooner or you starting work later. Both of you might have to give the kids more one-on-one attention every day, no matter how tired you are. For a reality check, estimate how much time daily each kid receives from each parent that's child-centered (following the child's interests, and not task-focused, correcting, or scolding); if it's less than fifteen minutes (the minimum a child needs - and many could really use more), you and your mate should make some adjustments if it's at all humanly possible: besides being good for your child, it will prevent problems that will take even more of your time in the future.

Learning from others.
Over the years, many women have blazed trails for working mothers. At your job, there are probably other moms - perhaps even your supervisor - who can mentor you about the ins and outs of juggling home and work at your company. Some corporations have support groups for mothers who work there. Part-time professionals can link up with each other, like attorney mothers who work part-time having a brown-bag lunch each month at a different law firm.

Using your time well.
At the most practical level, having a job means finding ways to get more done in less time, from shopping later at night, when the supermarkets are empty, to hiring a responsible teenager with a car to run errands for you a few hours each week. This is such a universal problem that just about every issue of a magazine for women is loaded with tips, and you can learn more from some of the books listed under Resources for Working Mothers, below.

Saying goodbye to "Supermom."
It's hard for a working mother to avoid the traps of feeling that she has to go overboard at home to make up for having a job, or to be a superstar at work to make up for having a family. Sometimes the prick of guilt feels more like a knife in the ribs. For instance, one mother said: I'd been buried under a pile of work for a couple of weeks, but finally I had a chance to catch up on things. Then I found an invitation to a birthday party in all the stuff my son brings home from kindergarten - that had happened three days ago. He really liked the boy and I felt horrible about him not going. I started to cry, I was so mad at myself. Sure, it's important to do what you can to stay on top of the details at work or home. But it's almost impossible to avoid some stuff slipping through the cracks. Most of us need to accept the fact that we cannot be outstanding in each of two separate areas, in both our career and our parenthood. Still, a person can be outstanding at the package of the two, outstanding at being a parent who works. When you redefine your overall job description that way, it's a challenge you can actually succeed at. Sometimes an excellent performance in the total job requires doing less at work or at home. Or saying No, even if that means disappointing a coworker, spouse, or child. Or making a special effort to nurture yourself in one setting - such as by slowing down, connecting with others, or focusing on activities you particularly enjoy - so that you can excel in the other one, year after year, throughout the marathon of motherhood.

Resources for Working Mothers

• The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by Gwen Gotsch and Judy Torgus
  
• Nursing Mother, Working Mother by Gale Pryor
  
• Working-Mothers 101 by Kadierine Wyse Goldman
  
• Time Management/Torn the Inside Out by Julie Morgenstern
  
• Be Your Best: The Family Manager's Guide to Personal Success by Kachy Peel
  
• Organizing from the Inside Out by Julie Morgenstern
  
• Chore Wars: How Households Can Share the Work and Keep the Peace by James Thornton
  
• Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House by Cheryl Mendelson